Stay With Me
by Fellykins
Summary: Beckett always expected to get shot. She was a cop. It was part of the job. What she didn't expect was getting shot at Captain Roy Montgomery's funeral, but it made her realize that there was more to life than loveless relationships and solving her mother's murder.
1. The Shooting

**Author's Note:** I thought I would try my hand at a chapter story for _Castle_, considering my one shots have had such good reception thus far. I decided to go with something AU, taking place at the end of season 3 and the start of season 4, right after Beckett was shot, except she admits she remembers a lot sooner than she does normally in the show. This first chapter follows the events of 3x24 and 4x01 pretty closely, but hopefully catching more of Castle's feelings through everything and giving more of a look at what happens while Beckett's in surgery, but it'll go more AU in the rest of the chapters. Rating is T for now, but I may bump it up to M in a later chapter; a little torn on the idea of it right now, but we'll see where things take us.

Stay With Me

Chapter 1 - The Shooting

At first, he thought the glimmer of light he saw was just the sun reflecting off of something near one of the graves behind the small crowd, a vase, maybe, or just something metal. This was a closed funeral, so no one else would've been able to get near them, not even the groundskeepers.

He saw it again, and something felt wrong. The more he thought about it, the less he remembered seeing anything the sun could've reflected off back there. They walked by that grave with Montgomery's coffin. He would've remembered seeing something.

He heard the gunshot. The next thing he knew, he was shouting her name and trying to get to her, trying to clear the distance between them that seemed so much longer than it actually was.

He heard her gasp. He was too late, he knew he was too late, but he tackled her anyways; he couldn't stop his body from doing so. He could hear the commotion behind him, the screams and shouts, but all his mind could focus on was her raspy breathing.

"Kate, shh…"

He lifted her head up and held it in one of his hands. Anything he could do to be a comfort to her in the madness that ensued behind him. They were trying to find the shooter, trying to get help for Beckett. She was struggling to breathe. Her body was trembling.

"Kate. Stay with me, Kate."

He saw the tears fall from her eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes he'd fallen in love with. He saw the shock, the fear in her face, and he was sure that he saw the pain too. She couldn't mask her emotions now, like she always did in the face of her job, like she was doing moments before while she was giving Montgomery's eulogy. Not even Kate Beckett, the master of masking her emotions, the woman who always remained stoic in the face of everything that came her way, could hide how she felt in this moment.

"Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay?"

He could see the life leaving her eyes. Those beautiful, enchanting hazel eyes. Was today really going to be the last day he'd see them? Was this really how Kate Beckett was going to go down? She was succumbing to the pain, to the bullet she took to the chest, but she was hanging on for as long as she could.

"I love you, Kate."

Maybe now wasn't the best time for a confession of love, but there was still some life in her eyes. It wasn't much, but maybe she heard him. Her eyes were looking into his, after all, but she was struggling to keep them open. Maybe it would give her something to hold onto while they tried to save her life. Maybe it would give her something to live for.

"I love you, Kate."

If nothing else, at least she would know she was loved before she died. She would know his feelings for her.

Everything else was a blur from the moment she closed her eyes. His entire focus was on Beckett, not the commotion behind him. He was aware that Lanie was beside him now, taking one of Beckett's hands in her own and begging for her not to leave them. Lanie confirmed that she was still alive, still fighting, but they both recognized the importance of getting Beckett to the hospital. She was slipping away from them with each passing second.

The paramedics came, and despite their insistence that Beckett would be fine in their hands, Lanie and Castle insisted on riding along and neither of them would take no for an answer. Neither of them could leave Beckett's side. Not now, not like this. Lanie was Beckett's best friend; she was Beckett's confidante, and that was saying a lot considering Beckett rarely opened up to anyone. Castle was her partner, the one who stepped into her life despite her best efforts to push him out, the one who always came back to her side no matter what life threw their way because that was what partners did. They weren't leaving her side. Knowing they were in a race against time, the paramedics were forced to concede and allow the pair to ride along, so long as they allowed them to do their jobs too.

No arguments there.

She flatlined on the way in, and Castle's heart sank. He wanted to let the tears that stung in the back of his eyes flow, but he held it together for her. Seeing Lanie jump into action immediately helped. He had to be strong for her. She needed him. Even if she didn't hear his confession, Kate Beckett was still his partner. He tightened his grip around her hand. He would be strong for her and for Lanie, who despite watching her best friend flatline in front of her, was remaining incredibly strong through it all.

None of that stopped him from silently praying to whatever God there was to not take her away from them.

Lanie was still doing chest compressions when they got to the hospital. One of the doctors tried to get her to break away, but she fought it. Castle was jogging behind them, but he stopped when Lanie finally conceded and let the doctors take over. If they were going to save Beckett, she had to let them do their jobs, both of them did. As much as they wanted to follow her into the operating room and be by her side while she fought for her life, they were forced to watch as they wheeled her back.

"We should go to the waiting room," Castle said, his voice cracking slightly. Lanie nodded, and they turned to walk through the halls of the hospital. It wasn't until they cleared one hallway that they ran into Esposito and Ryan.

"How is she?" he asked.

"They just took her to surgery," Lanie said, going straight to Esposito, who pulled her into a hug. She was giving into the emotions she held back on the way in.

Castle went to Ryan for information, but the shooter got away, leaving only his weapon behind. The boys already had people working on the case, but their place was at the hospital now. They couldn't work not knowing how Beckett was going to fare through all of this.

Martha and Alexis showed up shortly after, embracing Castle. He hugged them, holding them tighter than normal. This could've happened to any of them. It could've been him in that operating room.

If he was faster, it would've been him.

But it was Beckett that took the hit.

After everything she'd been through in her life, she didn't deserve this. None of them did. Beckett wasn't perfect, none of them were, but she was their fearless leader, the one that kept them together in the face of everything. They were more than just detectives and a consultant, partners in finding murderers and bringing justice to the families of New York City. Though they weren't bonded by blood, Castle, Beckett, Esposito, Ryan, and even Lanie were family.

This couldn't tear them apart.

"Where's Katie? Where's my daughter?"

Castle froze, slowly letting go of Alexis and Martha, who turned to face Jim. He was stepping forward to speak up, but he couldn't find the words. He couldn't figure out how to say that she was shot, that he wasn't fast enough to tackle her to the ground and save her life, like he'd done so many times before.

"She's in surgery, Mr. Beckett," Lanie said, stepping up to stand next to Castle and his family, placing a hand on his back. He wasn't sure if she was doing it more for herself or to give him a reassuring presence that he wasn't in this alone. Regardless, he was grateful for it.

Mr. Beckett only nodded. He was only slightly relieved at the news. His daughter was still alive, but the uncertainty was still there. Of everyone, Lanie was the most familiar to Jim Beckett, so she felt it was her responsibility to be the comforting presence for him while his daughter was in surgery, fighting for her life. Castle was there, but he'd only seen him once, when he showed up to his loft uninvited to talk to him about Kate, and even then, Jim only knew about him through his daughter's stories. The red heads were unfamiliar to him too, but it didn't take a genius to figure out that they were Castle's family; if he remembered correctly, they were Martha and Alexis, Castle's mother and daughter. The other two, Esposito and Ryan, he only knew them through Beckett's stories too, but she always spoke highly of both of them. Lanie was the most familiar face to him, but everyone there was his daughter's family, even if none of them were blood related.

He never liked the idea of his little girl becoming a cop, but he supported her regardless. As he looked to each and every person in this room, he was glad that he wasn't facing this alone.

Though Jim and his daughter weren't quite as close as they used to be, before Johanna was ripped away from them in a senseless murder, there were two things that he knew. The first was that each and every person in this room right now were more than just his daughter's colleagues; they were her family. The other was that his daughter was a fighter, and though he was preparing himself for the worst, he knew that if this was her time, she was going to be fighting it until the last possible second. He and Lanie excused themselves from the group; he felt like he needed to talk to someone, and though they were all family, at least in his daughter's eyes, he was most comfortable with Lanie.

"A sniper," Josh said, coming around the corner shortly after Jim and Lanie stepped away. All eyes were on him now. "At a funeral."

"We think the guys that targeted Montgomery went after Beckett," Esposito said.

"I tried to get to her," Castle choked out. "I tried."

But Josh was having none of it. He shoved Castle back into the wall, but before he could get any further, Martha and Esposito were holding Josh back, and Alexis and Ryan had to keep Castle away from him, though not much effort was required on their part. For a moment, he wanted to hit back, but Castle had no desire to fight with him, not when she was in surgery, fighting for her life. She didn't need to wake up and find out that her partner and her boyfriend got into a fist fight; she needed to wake up and see everyone that was in this hallway right now standing by each other, despite their differences, and supporting her in her time of need.

"You did this!" Josh said, his voice laced with anger. "This is your fault!"

Castle's heart sank. He lowered his head. His actions from the last three years that led up to this moment were finally starting to hit him.

"You pushed her to look into her mother's murder! She's in there because of you, and Montgomery's dead because of you!" Josh shouted.

Josh was right. This was all his fault. If he hadn't asked Esposito to get him the files three years ago, her mother's case would've never been reopened. If he'd been faster, she would be the one out here, or so he hoped, given the way she'd glanced back at him during the eulogy, just after she said that if one was lucky, they'd find someone to stand by them. If he was in that operating room right now, fighting for his life, Josh wouldn't have to blame him for any of this. If he'd been the one to take the bullet, maybe, just maybe, Beckett would be fine.

All of them would be fine, except for Martha and Alexis, but they'd have his friends from the Twelfth to lean on until he was better.

He wished Esposito and his mother would just let Josh go. He wished they would let the doctor take out all of his frustration on him. He already felt the emotional pain of possibly losing the woman he'd fallen so madly in love with, so a little physical pain wouldn't make any difference to him. After what he'd put her through, after he'd put her in that operating room to fight for her life, he deserved to be bloodied up and in a hospital bed too. The only difference was he'd probably make it out alive because there were enough people in that room to pull Josh off before he could do something he'd regret whereas none of them knew if she'd actually pull through and come back to them.

But instead of the physical pain he wished he could endure, he had to deal with the emotional pain. He had to deal with hearing the words that he'd already repeated in his head so many times after she lost consciousness. All he could think about was how this was his fault. All he could think about was her making it through this so he'd have the opportunity to apologize to her for putting her through all of this, if she'd let him in long enough to do so.

After all of this, he wouldn't blame her if she shut him out completely.

"Leave him alone!" Alexis shouted, moving to go after Josh. His mother and Ryan held her back, and he was grateful for that. He told himself from the moment Josh shoved him into that wall that he wouldn't fight back, in part because he knew Josh's words were true and in part because he knew she deserved better than her partner and her boyfriend, as much as Castle didn't like him, fighting in the hallway of a hospital. But he watched the scene carefully because he knew that if Josh dared to lay a hand on Alexis, he wouldn't hold back.

"Enough!" Jim shouted, moving to step in between Josh and Alexis. He looked to the teenager first, giving her a stern look, one that made even Alexis' face turn from the anger she felt at Josh coming at her father to one that showed just how shocked she was at her own actions right now. He didn't focus on her though; he understood why Alexis reacted the way she did. She cared about her father, and for a moment, she reminded him of his Katie, and he could see why his daughter cared so much about the teenager. Those were thoughts for later though, as he focused his attention on Josh. "Stop it. I won't have you acting like a three year old while my daughter's fighting for her life. She deserves better than that."

Jim's words did nothing to wipe the anger off Josh's face. He could tell that he wasn't welcome here though, as he took one last glare at Castle before walking off.

Castle had to step away from the group for a moment. Alexis made a motion to follow, but Martha stopped her, shaking her head. The teenager seemed to understand, stepping back.

He sensed her presence before she wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "He's right," Castle said softly, not even looking to his mother. "I'm the reason she's there."

"Richard Castle, stop," Martha replied. "You are not the one who shot her."

She was right, he wasn't the one who pulled the trigger. No matter what happened between him and Beckett, he could never do such a thing. But even if he wasn't the one who pulled it, he was the one who reopened the case. He was the one who got her looking into it again. He was the reason Montgomery was dead. He was the reason Kate was in the operating room, fighting for her life. He was the reason for all of this, the catalyst that led to this moment.

"No, but I'm the one who put her in the crosshairs," he said. Martha was about to say something, but he continued. "I told her how I felt. I told her I loved her."

And maybe his confession came too late. He wanted to tell her he loved her every day for the rest of their lives, but with each passing second, he felt like maybe it was too late. Maybe she wouldn't make it through this. But at the cemetery, when he was holding her in his arms as she struggled to breathe, struggled to keep her eyes open, struggled to fight even then, he had to tell her how he felt. He knew she was still with Josh, but in that moment, he didn't care, he just wanted her to know how he truly felt about her.

The knot in his stomach tightened. He was doing everything he could to be strong, but all he wanted to do was cry.

He wasn't sure how much time passed, but it felt like hours. Sleep was starting to settle in, but he didn't want to fall asleep now. He didn't want to leave not knowing if she'd made it or if she was gone. No one else could leave either. All of them stuck together, none of them daring to leave the waiting area. The atmosphere in the room was somber, none of them showing any of the pain they felt, holding it together for her sake.

"Mr. Beckett," one of the doctors said. Jim stood up, and Castle was right behind him. Everyone was gathering behind them. "Your daughter is out of surgery."

"Is she alright?" he asked.

"Well, during the surgery, she experienced cardiac arrest," the doctor said. Castle's heart sank. She couldn't be gone. She couldn't. "We were able to get it beating again on its own, but she'll need to be watched closely."

Castle let out the breath he held in. All of them were relieved. She was still alive. She was okay. Their fearless leader was still with them.

"When can I see her?" Jim asked.

"Once the nurses get her settled into her room, we'll take you to see her," the doctor said. He looked to the group gathered behind Mr. Beckett. "The rest of you should go home and get some rest."

"I don't know about you, but home's the last place I'm going right now," Esposito said after the doctor stepped away. "Not until we catch the son of a bitch who did this."

"I'm right there with you," Ryan said.

Castle looked back to them for a moment, then back to his family, glancing to Jim for a brief moment. He could see where Beckett got her ability to put on a mask in even the most emotional situations, but he still felt worry rise up inside of him. He didn't say anything, but Martha knew what was on her son's mind.

"Go," Martha said, squeezing her son's arm. "We're fine, go."

She nudged him away, but he stood for a moment, watching as his mother stepped forward to touch Jim's arm. A weak smile formed on his lips. Jim would be okay. He wouldn't be alone through all of this. He'd have Martha and Alexis with him, at least until he could go see his daughter.

They knew Beckett was alive. They knew she'd be okay, but none of them could even consider sleeping now. Someone tried to take one of their own, one of their family, and they were going to put an end to it.

He woke up to the sounds of the hustle and bustle of the precinct. Castle wasn't quite sure when it happened, but he fell asleep at one of the desks, the one across from Ryan's. The sound of his phone buzzing across the desk made him jolt awake. He looked behind him, hoping that maybe, just maybe, she was there, that maybe this was all a dream, that maybe he'd look back and see her with her phone to her ear, grinning at him, but she wasn't. Reality came crashing back down on him. He looked to his still buzzing phone and picked it up, not even bothering to look and see who was calling.

It was her father. She was awake. She wanted to see him.

He wasted no time in getting back home to shower and change into something more fresh. His old clothes smelled worn, and he was in desperate need of something fresh; he couldn't even remember the last time he'd set foot in the loft, but he knew that she didn't need to see him running himself into the ground over this. On his way into the hospital, he stopped to get her some flowers. It was the only thing he could think of getting her. Everything else seemed a little silly, though that was what she knew him for, but he didn't know what she remembered, if anything at all. He didn't want to push his chances, not when she was just starting to recover from everything. Flowers were the safe option.

When he stepped into her room, he saw Josh sitting by her side, her hand in his. Did she know about how Josh came at her while she was in surgery? Did she blame him for this too?

No. No, she couldn't have. She wouldn't have asked to see him if she did.

But then it hit him. She did blame him for this. She knew it was him that put her in those crosshairs. She knew it was his fault that she took a bullet that nearly took her life away from her. It didn't matter if she'd heard his confession or not because she'd never feel the same way.

He pushed those thoughts down to the back of his mind. He couldn't think the worst right now.

She looked away from Josh as soon as she heard the door open, a small smile gracing her lips, a smile that he could've sworn he didn't see on her face until she saw him come in the room. "Hey, Castle," she said. She sounded awful, but even in her current state, with a tired look in her eyes and her hair coming out of the braid it was tied into, she still looked beautiful. No matter how she looked, he would always think she looked beautiful.

Josh took one look at Castle and excused himself before either of them could say anything, and Castle could feel the tension in the room drop as soon as he left. Would Josh have dared to try anything in front of Kate, given her current condition? Doubtful, but given how he came at him while she was in surgery, Castle wouldn't put it past him. He was angry then, and he was angry now.

Even if Josh tried to start another argument though, Castle wouldn't have retaliated. Not in front of her. She didn't deserve that, after everything she'd been through.

And after all of that, she was still there with them. She'd fought for her life and won. Even facing death, her competitive spirit won out. And she wanted him there with her. His mind fluttered to the worst for the reason why she wanted him there, but the butterflies in his stomach gave him hope.

"You're staring at me," she said, her hoarse voice snapping him back to reality, as he walked to stand at the foot of her bed. "I must look really bad."

"No," Castle replied almost instantly. He had to pause for a moment. He wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked even in her current state, but that was pushing it. She was still with Josh, he could see that from the way he looked at her, and he wasn't going to come between that. Not now. She didn't need any other stress in her life. He pushed his feelings for her down and gave her a small smile. "No, I just never thought I'd see you again."

He paused again, moving to the side of her bed, to the chair where Josh was sitting just a moment ago. "I heard you were opening a flower shop, so I thought I'd add to the collection," he said, hoping to lighten the mood. He placed the flowers on her bedside table as he sat in the chair next to her bed.

"They were all here when I woke up," she said. "I think they're all from the precinct." A small smile graced her tired face. "I don't think I'm going to live this one down, Castle."

"Probably not," he replied. For a moment, he thought it wasn't the best answer, but it got her to smile even more and any doubts in his mind went away. Seeing that smile warmed his heart and made his own lips curl into a smile. Even after everything, she was still the same Kate Beckett he knew and loved.

"I hear that you tried to save me," she said after a moment.

"Yeah, I, uh…" he started, but he trailed off. Her words finally registered in his brain. "Wait, heard? You don't remember?"

"No, I don't remember much of anything," she replied. His heart sank. She didn't remember anything. Perhaps that was a good thing. It was such a traumatic event. Maybe she didn't need to remember it.

He was only half-listening as she told him what she did remember. All he could think about was how she didn't remember anything that happened. It was a good thing, he realized. After everything she'd gone through in her life, she didn't need another traumatic event added to her memories. As she said, some things were better off not being remembered.

But his confession. She didn't remember any of that either. She didn't know that he loved her. That was okay though. If she didn't remember, he could do it all over again with better timing. Now that he thought about it, she wasn't smiling when she was in the room with Josh. She didn't start smiling until he came in the room.

It was his presence that brought a smile to her face. It was his presence that brightened her day. Not Josh's. _His._

He still had a chance.

Or maybe he didn't, considering she was already saying she wished she could've gone in to fight with Montgomery. She was already diving back into this, and she hadn't even been awake for a whole day yet.

His chance at being in a relationship with this wonderful, beautiful, maddening woman could wait. He had to stop her from diving into the rabbit hole.

"Kate," Castle said.

"Castle," Beckett said, interrupting him. "I'm really tired now."

He paused for a moment. She needed to rest and recover. They didn't need to argue over whether or not it was safe for her to go back into that hangar with Montgomery.

But still, he felt the whole atmosphere in the room change when she interrupted him. He couldn't place his finger on what it was, but something was different. He tried to look into her eyes, but he couldn't; she was avoiding his gaze now.

"Of course," he said, standing up to leave. "Of course. We'll talk tomorrow."

"Do you mind if we don't?" she asked. For the first time during their whole conversation, her voice sounded stronger. He looked over at her, and he could see her looking at him, just for a moment though because she looked away before continuing. "I just need some time."

Pain. That was what he saw in her eyes. That was why she couldn't look at him.

"Sure," he said, keeping his voice steady. He saw the pain, but he didn't know where it was coming from. Questions flew through his mind, but only one left his mouth. "How much time?"

"I'll call you, okay?" she replied, managing to look up at him. The pain was still there, though she tried to hide it. He could see through the mask she tried to put on.

"Sure," he said before walking out of the hospital room. As he left, he couldn't help but feel guilty for putting her in this position. Maybe she did blame him for all of this. Maybe this was her way of saying goodbye without actually saying it. He wanted to confront Josh, know what lies he fed her after she woke up, but he held that train of thought.

Maybe it wasn't Josh that told her what happened at the cemetery. No, it couldn't have been. He wasn't there.

Her dad. He had to have been the one to tell her what happened that day. He was the one that saw her first, the one who called and told him that she wanted to see him.

Maybe she just needed time to sort through everything. She'd just woke up, and she was recovering. She'd gone through a lot, and she was just learning about what happened. Yeah, he told himself, she just needed time. All of this was a lot to take in. Castle was willing to do anything for Beckett, including jumping in front of a bullet, and if space was what she wanted so that she could gather herself and figure out the mess that was her life right now, then he would give it to her for however long she needed.

When she was ready, he'd welcome her back with open arms.


	2. The Confession

**Author's Note: **Wow. Just wow. I don't think I could've ever expected the response I got from posting just one chapter of this story. I'm eternally grateful for it all, and I hope you all continue to enjoy it as I continue to post. I was originally planning on just doing weekly updates, but I've really been in a writing mood lately, thanks to _Castle_, so I decided to just not conform to any sort of schedule, other than getting at least one chapter up a week; I don't want to rush things, but I don't want to stifle my creative spirit right now either. So here's to more chapters and my line breaks actually showing up because clearly they haven't been.

Stay With Me  
Chapter 2 - The Confession

Three weeks.

Three long, boring, exhausting, annoying weeks.

There were other adjectives to describe the three weeks she spent in the hospital after the shooting, but her mind was still far too tired to think of them all. From the moment she was able to get out of the bed on her own, she wanted to get out of the hospital. She was tired of everything in this place, and the longer she stayed, the more frustrated she felt. It was frustration she poured into her recovery so the doctors would clear her for release. She was tired physically, mentally, and emotionally, but she was infinitely more vocal about how tired she was of everything else.

She was tired of the itchy hospital gown by her third day being awake. She could remember asking the doctor if it was okay if she wore her own clothes if someone brought them for her because the entire time the doctor was in the room with her, all she could talk about was how annoying the hospital clothes were. The doctor cleared it, and as soon as he left the room, she called Lanie and insisted that she go to her apartment and bring her some of her own clothes. Lanie pulled through, as she always did, and brought Beckett some fresh clothes.

A couple days later, she found herself growing tired of the bed. Her body was exhausted and still recovering from the surgery and taking a bullet to the chest, but her mind wanted out of the bed. Lanie, Esposito, and Ryan visited again that day at Beckett's insistence, but they spoke very little of her shooting, only telling her about the lead on the groundskeeper and the weapon they found; they pretty much had nothing, but they told Beckett they were doing everything they could to find the person she did this. Beckett could tell they were dead in the water, but she knew the boys; they wouldn't back down until someone forced them to. Still, she was grateful for their visit, even knowing they didn't have much to work with on her shooting. Just seeing them made her hospital stay just a little more bearable.

It didn't take her long to grow tired of the constant coming and going of the nurses and doctors. She understood they were just doing their job, but that didn't make it any less annoying. Beckett was, by nature, a private person, and sometimes, she just wanted some time to herself. Her friends understood that, and it was why they didn't show up, other than when she called; the boys and Lanie were busy with work, and Beckett respected that. Just because she was holed up in the hospital and unable to work didn't mean bodies stopped dropping. Her dad understood too; it was one of the ways she and her father were alike. He still came by to visit, but for the most part, he gave her the space she craved so badly.

Josh was probably her most annoying visitor. Her boyfriend came by before his shifts, on his breaks, after his shifts, basically whenever he got a free moment. For the most part, she pretended to be tired; it was mostly true, she was actually tired. Her body was putting most of its energy into recovering, and it took a lot out of her. As much as she wanted to do more, she didn't have a lot of strength the first week after she woke up. Doctors and nurses nudging her awake to check on her didn't help matters.

But one day, she was very much awake and busy reading a book, one of the _Derrick Storm_ books her dad brought her because she complained about needing something to do (he suggested books, knowing how much they helped after her mother's murder, and she was okay with it so long as he didn't bring any of the _Nikki Heat_ books, knowing they would be too painful to read right now because she still didn't have the courage to call him), when Josh came by to visit.

"Hey, babe," he said, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. She didn't look up. "Kate?"

Still no response. Josh reached for the book, and Beckett slammed it shut, gently placing it on her lap.

"What?" she asked. "Can't you see I'm trying to read?"

"I just wanted to see you," Josh replied, raising his hands in defense.

Beckett rolled her eyes. "You see me every day. Several times a day, in fact."

Josh was silent for a moment. His eyes fell to the book on her lap. "He hasn't come to see you since you woke up, you know."

"I asked him not to," Beckett replied.

"And he's actually respecting that?" Josh asked.

"Yes, he is," she replied.

"That's surprising. You always said he never listened to you," Josh said.

Beckett rolled her eyes again, though she had to admit Josh had a point. Castle did have a habit of not listening to her. It started with him not staying in the car, even when she cuffed him to it, and then he admitted to looking into her mother's murder. She remembered snapping at him for doing so, ending their partnership, at least until he came back into the precinct for a photo shoot for the first _Nikki Heat_ book. Working the John Allen case brought them back together, but Montgomery had a hand in that too.

Montgomery.

If it wasn't for him, she probably would've never spoke to Castle again after that case that brought them back together. It was Montgomery that insisted she deal with the publicity that surrounded the precinct as a result of the _Nikki Heat_ books since it was good press for the NYPD. It was Montgomery's look that he gave her after she tried to send him home after the reporter that shadowed them to the crime scene was sent home that made her allow him to work the one case, even though he was too close to it.

It was supposed to be a one and done deal; he worked the case, and then he'd leave her alone. He was adamant about being able to change her mind, and she was adamant that he wouldn't. They were stubborn in that regard.

But even during the case, he still proved that he was unable to listen. When he went into a poker game in Chinatown to find their suspect, he stayed longer than necessary, going against the plan to sit at the table with their suspect. Still, she stayed back and watched. Something in her gut told her to trust Castle.

The longer he was in there though, the more concerned she became. Even in that moment, knowing how mad she was at him for reopening a case she was adamant about him not touching, she was still concerned about him. She was right to trust him; he led them to their killer, and then she had to go undercover and get him out. They had their killer, and she couldn't let anything happen to him. Mad as she was at him at the time, she still cared about him.

At the end of the case, she could still remember clear as day the words he said to her.

"You won't have to do it alone. We can do it together."

She still tried to push him away. At the time, she didn't believe he could change her mind, that he could weasel his way back into her life after reopening her mother's murder case. Turns out she was wrong about being able to push him away, that he wouldn't be able to change her mind. He came back to the precinct, not listening to her yet again, to apologize, and she let him back in.

"It's his fault you're here in the first place, you know?" Josh said, bringing her out of her thoughts. She looked over at him for the first time since he'd arrived. "If he hadn't reopened your mom's case, you probably wouldn't be here right now."

She snapped. "Castle reopened it, but I was the one that chose to continue looking," she said, not bothering to hide the anger she felt. Two weeks of being confined to a hospital bed, only getting out to go to the bathroom or the one day her dad and Lanie came to take her outside in a wheelchair (that she was adamant that she didn't need but reluctantly used anyways), and dealing with the frustration of being limited in what she could do finally boiled over. "He didn't force me to keep looking. He told me what he found and left it at that when he saw how mad I was about what he'd done. He crossed a line when he reopened the case, but he never pushed it." She paused, taking a breath. "And he's at least willing to own up to his mistakes."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Josh asked, standing up from his chair and rounding to the foot of her bed. Her eyes followed him.

"I heard about what happened when I was in surgery. Esposito and Ryan told me, and my dad confirmed it," she said. It wasn't that she didn't believe the boys, but she was shocked that even Alexis jumped into the fight and Ryan had to hold her back. When she asked her dad about it, he confirmed Esposito and Ryan's story, adding that he saw the shock in Alexis' eyes when she realized what she'd done in the heat of the moment. He told her about how Alexis apologized just before he came into see her after she was moved into her room, how she was so sorry for the way she reacted while Beckett was in surgery, fighting for her life. Beckett knew about everything that happened, but she didn't push the issue; it was a fight that happened in the heat of the moment when emotions were high.

She remembered feeling the tension in the room when Castle walked in after she woke up. Josh was there, and he left just after her partner showed up. She couldn't help but notice how the tension didn't leave the room until after Josh left. It was one of the reasons why she asked Castle to not come around, that she'd call; she didn't want to deal with anything else on top of what she was already dealing with.

She sighed when Josh made no motion to apologize, like a part of her hoped he would. "I was in an operating room, fighting for my life, and when I wake up, I find out from my friends, from my dad, that you decided you wanted to get into a shouting match with a man who tried to jump in front of a bullet to save _my _life. He didn't have to do that, and yet he made a conscious decision to do it. And when you went at him, he didn't fight back. He stood there and took it."

Beckett took a deep breath. She could remember Castle's words to her during their fight, about how she hid in relationships with men she didn't love. He was right. She deserved happiness. She didn't realize it then, but she did now. And when she looked at Josh, there was no anger in her eyes. "I deserve better. I deserve to be happy, and I'm sorry, but I'm not going to find that with you. We're done. Get out."

Josh stared at her for a moment, a sudden pain washing over his face, but Beckett didn't budge. He left the room. She didn't see him again.

A week later, she was cleared for release from the hospital. The freedom from this place that she grew to hate so much more than she already did was finally hers.

She went to her dad's cabin after leaving the hospital. After everything that happened, she wanted to get away from everything. She deserved happiness, and to get that, leaving the city seemed like the best option. Getting away from everything for a couple months while she finished her recovery would let her reflect without having to worry about diving into a rabbit hole she didn't want to dive back into.

Her dad went with her up to the cabin, promising to stay with her for at least the first week she was there. Beckett tried to protest, insisting that she was fine and that she was strong enough to take care of herself, but for the first time since her shooting, she saw something in her dad's eyes that she hadn't seen since her mother's murder. She saw pain. In the heat of everything that was happening around her, in her focus to get out of the hospital, it never clicked that her dad almost lost his daughter.

She finally realized why her dad never got mad at Alexis for her actions during that fight at the hospital. It very well could've been Castle that was shot if he'd been faster, if he'd gotten to her just seconds sooner. He was able to see why she reacted the way she did. The thought of almost having Alexis' father ripped away from her was tearing her up inside, and she had to push it away.

They arrived in the late afternoon, after stopping at her apartment to get anything she wanted to have with her over the next two months and a quick stop at the store to pick up groceries, and once they had everything inside, all she wanted to do was lay down. Though there were days where she felt fine, there were still days where her body just wanted rest.

But in her room, all she did was sit on the bed. There were bags around the room to be unpacked, but she didn't want to bother with that now. Still, exhausted as her body was, she couldn't lay down. She couldn't even sit because she felt so restless, but her legs felt tired and she knew they'd give out on her if she pushed herself too much. She was too frustrated with how exhausted she got just from carrying bags into the cabin, and she needed to do something to ease her frustrated, restless mind.

Thankfully one of the bags was on the bed, so she pulled it closer to her and unzipped it. For the most part, it was just little knick knacks that she insisted on bringing with her. Things she didn't quite need but wanted to have with her. Something to remind her of home. She wasn't ready to take anything out quite yet because she didn't want to have to deal with having to move it all later when she was able to lay down and relax.

And then her fingers brushed across the spine of a book. His book. _Heat Wave_.

She ran her hand across the cover, tracing the letters of his name. She opened it to the dedication page, the one that he'd signed with a short message. This was all before his confession of love, but she still felt a wave of warmth pass through her body. She shivered and closed the book, setting it on the bed beside her, not taking her eyes off it.

"Kate, I love you."

His words rang through her mind. Out of all the women in the world, he loved her.

And she lied to him. She told him she didn't remember, but she did. She remembered everything. She remembered seeing the glimmer of light just before getting shot, but she didn't think anything of it at the time. She remembered the bullet hitting her. She remembered Castle shouting her name and tackling her to the ground too late. She remembered feeling his hands on her body, hearing his voice, begging her to stay with him.

She remembered hearing him tell her he loved her.

And then everything went black.

When she came to, she was in the hospital, recovering from the surgery that saved her life. Doctors told her she flatlined twice, but each time, they were able to get her heart beating again on its own. Lanie, Esposito, and Ryan told her that Castle tried to get to her before the bullet did, but he couldn't make it. They told her that the whole time, until they got to the hospital and Lanie was forced to step back and let the doctors save her life, Lanie and Castle never left her side. The boys and her dad told her about the fight in the hallway, where Josh blamed Castle for everything that happened and her partner took the words to heart. She didn't blame Castle for what happened though, and neither did anyone else.

Josh was the only one who did, and despite his best efforts to try and convince her to keep Castle away, she didn't listen. She wanted to see him.

And when she did, she lied. It was so much easier at the time to lie, but now, she couldn't help but regret it. After everything he'd done for her, he deserved better than that; he deserved the truth.

Tears started to well up in her eyes. Being here, being able to think about everything, finally crashed down on her. She let out a shaky breath, trying to maintain her composure. Her hands were trembling, and she had to take another deep breath to steady her nerves, running her still shaking hands through her hair.

A knock at the door made her jump. Her dad poked his head in, and she could see the concern on his face at the way her eyes were full of tears, at the way her hands still trembled.

But Jim knew better than to pry; he learned that years ago. "Dinner's ready when you are" was all he said. Beckett nodded.

o.o.o.o.o

She tossed and turned in the bed, thrashing about with her eyes closed. She was mumbling something, her voice panicked, but it was as if she couldn't hear her own words, let alone understand them.

"Castle!" she suddenly breathed, finally hearing her own voice in the darkness. She shot up in her bed, frantically looking around her, eyes wide as she searched for someone else in the room.

The throbbing pain in her side brought her back to reality as she reached a hand to rest on the scar there. It was a dream. A nightmare.

But that realization did nothing to calm her trembling hands, shaky breath, or the tightness in her chest. It was enough to make her manage a deep, yet shaky breath. It was enough to make her clench the sheets in her hands, giving her something to hang onto reality. It was enough to make the tears fall from her eyes.

She closed her eyes, trying to focus on happier memories, on times before her life was nearly ripped away from her. Her mind decided to drift back to the night when she and Castle were going to rescue Esposito and Ryan. They tried to pull off being a lost, drunk couple, but the guard at the door wasn't falling for it. She reached for her gun, but Castle stopped her by pulling her in for a kiss. She pulled away for a brief moment, but she felt something.

Even now, just thinking about it made her shiver, made her lips tingle, but it made her hands stop trembling, it made her breathing calmer, it made the tightness in her chest go away, it made the tears stop. There was still the pain in her side, but it was more of a dull ache now.

Until she grabbed her pillow and threw it across the room with all the strength she could muster and a frustrated groan that turned into a pained one when the dull ache turned back into a throbbing pain.

She collapsed back onto her bed, curling into a ball as best as she could, ignoring the pain in her side. The tears started to fall from her eyes again, but they weren't because of the nightmare anymore. They were because of him. Because he wasn't there with her when she needed him the most, and it was all her fault. She was the one that pushed him away. She was the one that said she'd call, and she never did.

But maybe she still could. Maybe it wasn't too late. She said a few days, and it turned into a few weeks, but maybe he would understand. He had to understand. He always did. Josh was right, Castle never listened when she told him to stay away. Why was this time so different?

Her eyes widened at the realization. It was because she lied to him. She told him she didn't remember, and yet, her mind turned to thoughts of him for comfort. She lied to him, and yet, she wanted him there with her, as if everything between them would be okay, as if nothing ever happened between them.

But would he really forgive her for not calling for three weeks after he found out she lied to him? Would he really come back this time, after she'd pushed him away for the millionth time?

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. She let her hand rest on the spot between her breasts where the bullet struck her.

"And if you're very lucky, you find someone willing to stand with you."

Her words echoed in her mind. She remembered looking back at Castle after she said it. She remembered catching his eyes when she looked at him. He was watching her, like he always did. She didn't realize it then, but it was reassuring knowing he was standing there with her, watching her.

She didn't realize it then, but the spark she felt the night they kissed was something she never felt in any of her other relationships. Not with Sorenson, not with Demming, and not with Josh. Only with Castle did she feel warmth pass through her veins.

She didn't realize it then, but Montgomery was right. Before Castle, she never had fun. All she did was work and go out on the occasional date with a man she didn't really care about but tried to. Before Castle, she never found herself genuinely smiling, genuinely laughing, not since before her mother's murder. And then he walked into her life and everything changed.

"Just because you can't see what's going on doesn't mean everyone else doesn't see what's going on."

Now it was Lanie's words that echoed through her mind. Everything hit her. Three years ago, the last thing she would've ever done was admit that she had any feelings for Richard Castle. He was a self-centered, egotistical jackass, but he was also a kind, genuine, loving man that cared about his family, especially his daughter. Alexis brought out the best in him, and it made her realize that Castle would do anything for his family. She still saw him as a self-centered, egotistical jackass, but not nearly as much as she did when she first met him.

Now she saw him as a father. She saw him as her partner. She saw him as someone who would always have her back. She saw him as someone who would take a bullet for her.

A bullet. For her.

She shook her head, but no matter how much she did, she couldn't shake the thoughts that went through her mind. She couldn't shake her thoughts of _him. _All she could think of was how he always brought her a cup of coffee and how that simple gesture made her smile. She thought of all the times he didn't listen to her, all the times she had to save him from danger, all the times she tried to push him away, and he still came back. He always came back. Her mind went back to that moment when they kissed, how she felt when it happened. It was hard for her to deny it then, but she was able to do it.

Now she couldn't do it anymore. After everything that happened, she couldn't deny anything she felt anymore.

She was in love with Richard Castle.

There was a slight tremble to her hands as she picked up her phone and unlocked it. She went to her pictures, of the ones she had with Castle and their friends from the nights they'd left the precinct after a hard day's work, but all she could see was how happy they were together. All she saw was him and the smile on his face. All she saw was the bright smile on her face when she was with him.

She needed him. She made the call. Her nerves were already high, but with each ring, she felt fear. Her hands started shaking more, more tears fell from her eyes. What if he was mad? What if he hated her? What if he finally had enough of her pushing him away and refused to come back?

"Beckett?" a sleepy Castle mumbled after picking up on the third ring.

She let out a shaky breath. "Castle," she said softly, finally starting to come down from the fear she felt. She pulled her phone away from her ear for a second and glanced at the time, almost four in the morning. A wave of guilt washed over her. "I-I woke you, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Go back to sleep, I shouldn't have-"

"No," Castle said, interrupting her, his voice more firm this time. She could hear the faint rustling of sheets in the background. "Kate, it's fine. What's wrong?"

She hesitated. He said it was fine, which eased the guilt she felt just a little, but she didn't feel fine. She had to talk to him, but she couldn't find the words to say. Words were his strength, not hers.

"Kate?" he said, breaking the silence.

"Sorry," she said softly. "I just... " She sighed. She couldn't do this over the phone. He deserved to know the truth, but not like this. "I'm at my dad's cabin, but I…" She took another deep breath. This was hard, but she had to do it. She _needed_ to do it. "I need to talk to you. Can you come over?"

"Of course," Castle replied without hesitating. "I'll be there tomorrow afternoon."

"No!" Beckett cried out, her voice a little louder than she intended. "No," she repeated, softer this time. "Now. Please. I know it's late, but I just… I need someone here now."

"You have your dad there," Castle replied. There was a slight edge to his voice when he continued. "You could call Josh."

Hearing his name made anger rise up inside of her, but she was able to push it back down. He didn't know about the break up. In his mind, she was still with Josh. "Rick, please," Beckett said, her voice trembling, cracking as another wave of tears formed in her eyes, still not done crying as much as she thought she was. "I need you."

o.o.o.o.o

She was used to her body fighting her by now. Even at the hospital, as much as she hated to admit it, there were times where she needed the wheelchair to get around, where she needed the walker to get from point A to point B. Those were the days she fought the most, but she was forced to give in. It made her fight harder for what she wanted: out of the hospital so she could get her life back.

Two hours after she got off the phone with Castle, she was finally done crying. Her body was exhausted, her mind was too, but she wasn't ready for sleep to take her away yet. She knew what would happen if she fell asleep.

The knock at the door got her to force herself out of bed. There was another knock as she stumbled into her bedroom door, pulling it open, and she caught a glimpse of her dad headed over to open it.

Beckett could see the tension in her dad's body as he opened the door, and understandably so. Very few people knew where they were. "Rick," Jim said, the tension leaving his body. "What are you doing here? How did you know…"

"It's okay, dad," Beckett said from behind the couch, wincing as she leaned forward to support herself on it. She closed her eyes, letting her hair fall in front of her face, steeling herself against the pain. She couldn't mask the pain she felt, but she didn't care. When she looked up, she saw the concern on her dad and Castle's faces. She saw her dad's arm stopping Castle from moving into the cabin to come to her side. "I called him."

Her dad hesitated for a moment, but one look at Castle's face reassured him. Jim nodded, lowering his arm and stepping aside to let him inside.

"I'll let you two talk," he said, closing the door behind him and after a brief stop in the kitchen to get a glass of water, he was back in his room.

"This way," she said softly, after her dad's bedroom door closed behind him.

She waited for Castle to get to the couch, and a warmth passed through her at the way he placed an arm around her shoulders, holding her up as they made her way back to her room. She stumbled a lot of the way, barely able to stay on her feet, but he kept her standing. It wasn't until she got to her bed, with the covers already thrown back and the pillow back in its rightful place, that she gave into her body's desire for rest.

"Kate," Castle breathed after closing the door behind him. He didn't hesitate in going to her side as she rolled over onto her back, but he froze at the sight of the weak, tired smile on her lips. "Are you…"

"I'm fine," she replied, beckoning him over with her hand. He obliged, moving to sit on the edge of her bed. "I just… sometimes, it's a lot, you know?" She shook her head, letting out a quiet chuckle. "I'm still recovering, but it's hard. The doctors said it would be a few months before I'd be able to go back to work, and even then, they said I may not be a hundred percent."

"So you came out here to get away from everything," he said.

She nodded. "I thought it'd be easier, but it's not," she said softly.

There was silence between them as she pulled the covers over her body. Her eyes were starting to close, but she still fought sleep. She just wanted to look at him.

"Why did you call?" he finally asked.

"Later," she said softly, sleep finally starting to win over her desire to just watch Castle, her eyes closed. "I'm tired. I'll tell you everything after I wake up. I promise."

For a brief moment, Castle felt panic rise up in his chest until he saw the gentle rise and fall of hers. She was alive, he reminded himself. She had to rest. She was pushing herself, as she always did, and her body wasn't having it anymore.

It was an hour later that he found himself in the cabin's living room, seated on the couch with an empty glass on the coffee table in front of him. He watched her for a little while to make sure she was okay, but there was a part of him that felt awkward about it, so he slipped away.

What was it that she had to say to him that she couldn't do over the phone? He could admit that the thought of her hating him after everything that happened crossed his mind, especially after a week passed with no call, but he hung onto hope. He hung onto the reminders that she was in the hospital, adjusting to her new, temporary normal. But with each passing day, he found himself starting to lose that hope. Working her case with Esposito and Ryan not only helped him cling to that hope, but it also kept his mind off the guilt he felt from putting her in this position in the first place.

And then just last week, the new captain, Victoria Gates, came into the precinct. He was there when she walked in, and not even five minutes into her time as the Twelfth's new captain, she kicked him out, telling him that there was no place for him in her precinct. He tried to fight it, but Gates was adamant. Esposito and Ryan tried to stick up for him too, but they quickly stopped when their new captain threatened to send them back to traffic.

Up until this morning when she called, all he could think about for the past week was how she'd never forgive him for what happened. All he could think about was the guilt he felt for putting her in this position.

But then she finally called after three weeks, and all he had were questions. She sounded so scared over the phone, an emotion he'd never thought Kate Beckett could feel, and there was a part of him that wanted to wrap his arms around her and comfort her. There was also a part of him that remembered it wasn't his place.

So why did she call him and not Josh? Why was she so adamant that he come out to the cabin? Why couldn't she talk to her dad or Josh or Lanie? Why did it have to be him?

"Is she okay?" Jim asked from behind him, making Castle jump, tearing him away from his thoughts. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

"No, it's fine," Castle replied, relaxing as Jim sat in an armchair. "She's sleeping."

Jim nodded, letting out a sigh of relief. "That's good. She needs rest."

"She does," Castle agreed. He paused for a moment. "Do you know why she called me here?"

This time, Jim shook his head. "I don't. I didn't know she called you until this morning when you were at the door. The only people that knew we were out here were my colleagues and Lanie until you showed up." Castle nodded, but he saw a bit of a smile on Mr. Beckett's face. "But whatever the reason is, I'm glad you came. I think it'll do her some good."

"What do you mean?" Castle asked.

"Katie hasn't been herself since the shooting," Jim replied, letting out a small sigh. "She won't tell me much, but I can tell from how she's been acting. It didn't take her long to start fighting to get out of the hospital. She hated it there."

Castle let out a quiet chuckle. He could only imagine the hell she gave hospital staff. Beckett had a fiery personality, and she was quite honestly terrifying when she was mad. It was fun to watch, but it wasn't fun to be on the receiving end of her anger.

"At one point, I suggested books to help keep her occupied, maybe get her mind off of everything. It helped after her mom's murder. But do you know what she told me when she asked me to bring her some books?" Jim said. When Castle shook his head, he continued. "She told me not to bring any of those _Nikki Heat _books you wrote."

Castle felt his heart sink a bit, but there was a sliver of hope. In a way, he could understand her request. She was the inspiration behind _Nikki Heat_, and she was fully aware of that. He figured that the books would remind her of their time together, and it was something she didn't want to think about.

"I didn't pry. I learned not to a long time ago," Jim continued. "But I caught Lanie one afternoon when she was leaving, and she told me about how you were always at the precinct with Esposito and Ryan, trying to find out who did this to her. She told me that she caught Katie looking at a picture of you and your friends and she was crying. Lanie couldn't get her to talk about it, but she knew it had something to do with you."

"She told me she'd call," Castle finally said, letting out a shaky breath. "When she didn't, I thought she blamed me for everything and wouldn't talk to me again."

Jim smiled. "Katie wouldn't have asked you to come if she didn't want to talk to you again." He stood up. "I'll let the two of you have some space."

"Are… are you sure?" Castle asked, suddenly standing up. "I-I can go. I don't want to intrude. She's supposed to be resting, recovering. I don't want to cause her any trouble. I don't want to get in the way of that."

Jim's smile grew. "She cares about you, Rick. She trusts you, and for Katie, that's a lot," he said. "I trust you." He moved towards the door. "I'll be back tonight."

Before Rick could say anything, Jim Beckett was out the door.

o.o.o.o.o

It was mid-afternoon before Beckett woke up, but when she did, Castle was there, sitting in a chair by her bed with a book in his hands. She watched him, the way he was so focused on it, not reacting as she shifted in her bed, pushing herself into a sitting position. She caught sight of his eyes, those beautiful blue eyes that she fell in love with. He was tired, she could see it in his eyes, but not nearly as much as she was.

But he was here.

"You're staring," he said, finally closing the book and setting it on her nightstand. He smiled. "Never thought I'd say that to you."

"You caught me," she said softly. She let out a quiet chuckle, hiding most of her reddening face behind her sheets. "Sorry."

He shook his head. "It's alright."

They were silent for a moment. Her hands finally fell to her lap, the sheets bundled up in her hands. The smile was gone from her face. "Castle?" she said, looking over at him. He caught her gaze, and she looked away, playing with the sheets.

She could still feel his eyes on her, but she still hesitated. She took a deep breath. She had to do this. If she wanted something more from this, she had to be honest. A relationship built on lies would be no good for either of them. "I lied to you," she said softly. The tears pricked at her eyes, but she wouldn't let them fall. She needed to be strong.

"What?"

"I lied," she repeated, looking up at him. Seeing the confusion on his face made the first tears fall. "At the hospital, when I told you I didn't remember, I lied. I remember everything."

His confusion faded away, and she was sure she saw it turn into hurt. Still, he didn't say anything and she couldn't bear the silence, so she kept talking. She had to keep talking. If she did, she feared she would lose her momentum and the words wouldn't come out. "I remember being at the funeral, being shot, you tackling me…" Her voice cracked, and the tears were flowing free now. She still couldn't stop though. He needed to know the truth. "You begging me to stay." A sob got caught in her throat, but she held it back. "You told me you loved me."

At those words, her body shook with sobs as she covered her face with her hands. "I'm sorry," she choked out, her voice muffled slightly. "I'm so sorry, Rick."

But even with her confession in his mind, he couldn't sit back and watch her cry like this. He couldn't watch her suffer. He didn't hesitate in getting out of his chair and wrapping his arms around her, pulling her in for a hug, being extra careful to not cause her any more pain than she already felt. Three weeks she held this in, and it finally caught up to her, finally opening herself up to him, allowing herself to be vulnerable.

She didn't resist, just turned to cry into the blue button up shirt he wore. It was a few minutes before she felt the bulk of the emotion pass, and she was able to look up into his eyes. Even knowing she lied to him, he still had his arms wrapped around her, gently rubbing her back. He took a hand and brushed her hair out of her face. He was still there comforting her.

"Are you mad at me?" she asked softly, her voice hoarse from crying.

If she waited any longer to call him, he probably wouldn't have had this reaction. The hope he was hanging onto while he was at the precinct started to fade quickly after he was booted out. He was able to cling to strands of it, but they were slipping away.

But now that she was opening herself up to him, allowing herself to cling to him and cry, calling him and insisting that she had to see him and not Josh or anyone else, that it had to be him, he was able to grab onto the last strands of hope that he had left and cling to them again.

She deserved a chance to at least explain herself.

"I just want to know why," he replied.

She nodded, lifting a hand to wipe the tears away. "I… I didn't know how to deal with it all at the time. I was shot, I almost died twice, and you told me you loved me. It was a lot to deal with." She let out a shaky breath. "My dad told me about how you and Josh fought at the hospital."

"It was more him telling me this was my fault," Castle mumbled.

"Dad said that too, but it's not your fault," Beckett replied. "I don't blame you for this. But that's not what I wanted to talk about." She shifted, pulling away from his embrace but taking his hands in her own. "Josh was… annoying, to put it simply."

"I'm annoying," Castle murmured, looking away from her.

"Yeah, well, at least you know how to give someone space and apologize," Beckett said. Castle raised an eyebrow. "He was there almost as much as the doctors and nurses, if not more. He was there a lot more than Lanie or the boys or even my dad. Every morning, every evening, every break he got, he was there with me. One day I just snapped, and I told him that I knew about that fight. He didn't even apologize for it, and I realized I deserved more. I didn't want to be with someone who went after my…" She paused for a moment, searching for the right words. "My partner, my _friend_, someone who was willing to jump in front of a bullet, to put his life on the line, for me while I was fighting for my own life. I know it was all in the heat of the moment and everyone was frustrated and angry about what happened, but I deserve better than someone who's going to fight with people I care about at a time when I didn't need anything else to deal with on top of what I already had to, so I broke up with him."

"You what?" Castle choked out. His heart jumped into his throat at her words. Did she just say what he thought she said?

"I broke up with him," she repeated. "I really liked him, but I realized he wasn't the right person for me. Just liking him wasn't enough."

She took a deep breath. The smile on his face encouraged her to go on, even if she was sure it was because he knew she wasn't with Josh anymore. "Getting shot made me realize something. I think it's something we've both known about for a while, and like you said, we've never talked about it."

"Kate," Castle said, but she pressed a finger to his lips.

"No, let me talk," Beckett replied. He nodded, and she lowered her hand. "Do you remember that night we were pretending to be a drunk couple and kissed?" He nodded again. "When we kissed, I felt something, something I've never felt before when I've kissed a guy." A smile formed on her lips as she thought about it. "I felt… warmth. I felt something inside me change. I didn't have a word for it at the time… well, I did, but I tried to deny it. But when you kissed me, everything felt so right, yet so wrong all at the same time."

She paused and took a breath, wiping away the stray tears that fell from her eyes. "When we were in that freezer, huddled together for warmth, I wanted to tell you I loved you. I was trying to, but I passed out before I could get it out. When the boys saved us and Josh came back, I figured it was better not to talk about it at all. I thought maybe I was crazy and that I should give Josh a chance, even though I didn't really feel anything with him." She let out a small laugh. "I guess we've both got good timing for confessing our feelings."

He couldn't help but smile. A warmth flowed through his body as he looked into her bloodshot hazel eyes. She was so tired, the few hours of sleep she got didn't seem to help and he could see that, but she still looked so beautiful.

"You told me I was hiding in nowhere relationships with guys I didn't love, and you were right. That's what Josh was, and everyone else before him," she said. "I lied and asked for space because I needed time. I was scared because I knew doing this would change everything. I knew it would mean I needed to open myself up and allow myself to be vulnerable. I knew that I had to do this right."

She took another breath, a shaky one this time. "You told me I deserved to be happy, and you were right. I do deserve to be happy, and the truth is, the happiest I've felt the past three years has been with you. Before you came around, I wasn't smiling much, I wasn't laughing much, I wasn't having any fun. Other than an occasional night out, all I did was work. When you came along, all of that changed," she said. She paused again, taking in a deep breath before looking into his eyes. She raised a hand to cup his cheek, stroking it with her thumb. "Getting shot made me realize that there was more to life than loveless relationships and solving my mom's murder. Don't get me wrong, I still want to solve it and bring her the justice she deserves, but I realized that I could do that and have what I want in life too." She hesitated for just a moment, but she started to lean forward. "And what I want is you. I love you, Rick."

She moved to close the gap between them, almost brushing her lips against his until he pulled away. She looked up at him, confusion and fear evident on her face. Maybe… maybe he didn't feel the same way. Maybe the three weeks she spent not calling was enough to let him have a change of heart. Maybe he just said it in the heat of the moment and didn't actually mean it.

"You said that the first time we kissed, it felt wrong," he said, almost as if he knew the fears that were racing through her mind. "Why was it wrong?"

She smiled, relief washing over her, letting a small, breathy laugh leave her body. Of course he latched onto that. "Because I didn't want our first kiss to be us pretending to be undercover as a drunk couple. Don't get me wrong, it was great." She stopped for a second, shaking her head. "Better than great. It was _amazing_, Castle, but I always imagined it happening when we weren't undercover. I always imagined it being a little more special."

He brought a hand up to her cheek, stroking it gently with his thumb, that mischievous grin forming on his lips. "Something more like this?"

It started out gentle, but it didn't take long for it to turn into something deeper, something more passionate. She managed to shift enough to push him down onto her bed, her body on top of his, her hands resting on his chest, still locked into their kiss. When they finally separated a moment later, she let out a quiet, breathy laugh, the first real smile she'd felt in weeks on her face.

"Exactly like that."


	3. Clearing the Doubts

**Author's Note:** I'm glad my line breaks _finally_ worked. I've got a few more chapters for this story, so those reviewers asking for more, fear not because you'll be getting it for a little while longer! I don't really have much else to say here, but I just want to give a big thank you to my reviewers and readers!

Stay With Me  
Chapter 3 - Clearing the Doubts

For the first time in about a month, she was finally able to get some much needed sleep. In his arms, she was able to sleep until her body was ready to wake up, not when it was forced awake in a panic from reliving that day at the cemetery. After their passionate first kiss, the one that she called their _real_ first kiss, and a little bit of light hearted bantering, she was able to fall asleep again, this time in his arms, this time having the dreamless sleep she craved.

At first, Castle smiled, his heart happy that he finally had the woman of his dreams asleep in his arms, but his mind felt conflicted. A part of it wanted to side with his heart, give him the happiness he deserved, but the other part wanted to question all of this more. Three weeks and no call until the middle of the night sent a wave of doubt through his mind, but he still came out. She begged, and his heart couldn't say no.

But now that he was here, he was in a conflict of mind and heart. His mind wanted to question this more. His mind wanted to be reassured that even though she'd lied to him at first, this wouldn't happen again. His mind wanted to know that this wasn't just a big joke to her. For three years, they danced around each other, her dating other men that she didn't truly love and him patiently waiting in the sidelines after breaking it off with Gina. Now they were here and something about it all didn't feel right.

The thoughts were tabled for now though. She was sleeping, and he wasn't going to interrupt that for this. It could wait. He needed answers to his questions, but her sleep was a lot more important. A little nap couldn't hurt him either.

Castle woke up a couple hours later to a message from Alexis wondering when he'd be back home. He pushed himself up into a seated position, taking care to not wake the still sleeping Beckett, and he told his daughter he'd be back tonight. He had no intent of staying at the Beckett cabin overnight; he didn't bring anything with him other than his wallet and phone, and he couldn't do it knowing the doubt about their relationship was in his mind.

It wasn't until there was a knock at the door that Beckett finally started to wake up. She shifted in the bed, carefully pushing herself up into a seated position. The door was gently pushed open, and she could see her dad peeking into the room.

"Get some sleep?" he asked. There was a smile on his face, as if he knew something, but he didn't press further. Beckett looked to Castle, who was awkwardly looking away from them. The sight put a smile on her face; she'd never known Castle to look so nervous before.

"I, uh… yeah," she managed to get out, looking back to her dad, her face reddening.

"Good," he replied, looking from his daughter to Castle.

"Dad, we…" she started, but Jim brought his attention back to his daughter, holding up a hand to stop her.

"It's alright, Katie," he said. "I know." He looked back to Castle. "I would rather see him here than that other guy."

Castle looked over to Jim, who was still smiling. He shifted slightly on the bed, feeling more uncomfortable than he did before. Having her father's blessing on their newly formed relationship was nice, but it would've felt a lot better if he didn't have that lingering doubt on his mind.

"There's Chinese in the kitchen when you two are ready," Jim said before slipping back out of the room and closing the door behind them.

Castle slipped an arm around Beckett's shoulders once her dad was gone, and he could feel the tension release as she relaxed in his embrace. "You alright?" he asked.

"Yeah," she replied, letting out a quiet laugh. "Yeah, I just wasn't expecting my dad to walk in like that and be so okay with everything. He's never been that okay with anyone I've been with."

"Well," he said, pulling her in for another kiss. "I guess that makes me special."

She pulled away after a moment, throwing the covers off of her and getting up. She didn't move too quickly, lest she cause herself pain. For the first time in weeks, she was starting to feel better. She didn't want to hurt anymore.

"Yeah, well, I hate to break it to you, Castle," Beckett said, a grin forming on her lips, running her hands through her sleep tousled hair. "But you're not as special as the Chinese calling my name."

He hesitated for a moment as she slipped out of the room. There was a part of him that didn't want to go out there and sit with her and her father for dinner, a part of him that knew he needed to talk to someone, his mother, perhaps. His stomach growled. Perhaps he could stay for food. Driving home on an empty stomach wouldn't do him any good.

He could get through this, he realized as he got out of the bed and made his way out to the living room to join her and her dad. They'd been pretending for three years now. What was another night?

It was a conversation they could have later. After all, she was alive and well. They had time.

o.o.o.o.o

"So how was your night with Beckett?" Martha asked as she glided down the stairs of the loft. Her son was seated at the kitchen's bar with a cup of coffee in front of him, absently stirring it with a spoon.

He shrugged. "I don't know," he admitted. "She's going through a lot. She wanted me there, and she seemed… happier, almost, but I don't know."

"You're confused about how you feel," his mother said, sliding into a chair next to him. "You want to be with her, but you don't know how to feel about it all."

"Yeah," Castle said softly. "Part of me is so happy to see her, to finally have this wonderful, amazing, maddening woman in my life, but part of me is conflicted. Part of me has doubts that this is actually going to be real."

"Well, don't you think you should talk to her about this?" Martha asked.

"I don't want to stress her out any more than she already is," Castle replied. "When she called yesterday, she sounded terrified, and that's not like her. She's barely been out of the hospital for a day, and she's already calling me in a panic."

"So you're saying she's not in her right mind," Martha said.

Castle leaned back in his chair, running a hand through his hair. "I don't know," he admitted. "I know she's not one to get scared. I know she faces everything head on with no fear. I know she doesn't back down from anything, even if her life is at risk. This is out of character for her, and I don't know what to do. I don't want her making decisions while she's doped up on painkillers, I know that much."

Martha rolled her eyes as she stood up to make her way to the fridge. "I think Katherine Beckett has enough of her head on her shoulders to know not to make bad decisions," she said. "But for God's sake, Richard, she was just shot. She nearly died, of course that's all going to change her." She caught a glimpse of her son shaking his head as she closed the fridge, her hands full with a package of bacon and a bowl of fruit. "Richard, I know you don't want to add any more stress to her than she already has to deal with, but I know you. You're not going to let this go until you talk to her about this." She set the bowl down on the bar between them and placed the package of bacon on the counter. "And Richard, you're more likely to stress her out by leaving her wondering than talking to her about this. I'm sure she has a perfectly logical reason for all of this, but you need to talk to her."

"I will," he mumbled, letting the spoon clang against the side of his mug. "Next time I see her."

o.o.o.o.o

He stayed away for a week after they started their relationship. She tried to fight him on it, but he was adamant that he had things to do in the city. It was a bit of a lie, but he couldn't be with her when he was questioning everything. At the very least, he told her that she could call whenever she needed to, at any time of day, and he'd answer, unless he was in too deep of a sleep to hear his phone ringing or he was in the shower, in which case he promised he'd call her back as soon as he could.

He could avoid the conversation over the phone because his mind knew that this was a conversation in person. He couldn't avoid it if he was seeing her, and he knew he had to have the right words for this.

In the course of that week, Beckett started her physical therapy. She could remember calling Castle after her first day, frustrated that she couldn't do _anything_. He managed to calm her down, but at her next session, the morning before Castle came back up to the cabin, she poured her frustration into it. Her therapist tried to convince her to call it quits for the day, but she was persistent; it wasn't until her body gave out on her that she was forced to give in.

When Castle came back, he brought a small feast with him, consisting of a surprisingly delicious lasagna, garlic bread, and salad, all made by Martha, though Beckett was sure she had help. From the way Castle described his mother's cooking, it wasn't always edible. Either this was one of the few things Martha could cook (though Beckett doubted anyone could truly mess up a salad) or she had some help, but Beckett wasn't going to press something that didn't seem to be an issue. The food was good, and that was what mattered.

With her belly filled for the second time that day, they slipped away to her room. She was seated on her bed, and he sat in the chair at her desk, turned to face her. He took a deep breath. He had to do this now, while she was awake.

"Kate," he said. "We need to talk."

She looked up at him, setting the glass of water she had in her hands down next to the bottle of painkillers she'd been prescribed. "Okay, what's up?"

He shifted slightly in his chair, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. A part of him felt this would lead to a fight, their first fight as a couple, but he had to do this. He couldn't keep pretending anymore. Just because she was able to do it for three weeks didn't mean he could. "Are you…" He stopped, hesitating. For a man of words, he didn't have any now. "Is this real?"

The confusion she felt was written all over her face. "Castle, where is this coming from?"

"Just answer the question," he replied.

"Yes," she said. "It's real." She tried to look into his eyes, but he only looked away from her. "Castle, what's going on?"

He hesitated again. "I feel like there's something wrong about all of this. Something just… doesn't feel right. What changed?"

Beckett felt her heart starting to break, but she took a deep breath and steeled herself. "I got shot. I felt the life leave my body, and there was something I hung onto that whole time." She stood up, walking over to him, taking his hands in her own. "I hung onto what you said before I closed my eyes. I hung onto you begging me to stay with you, your declaration of love." She gently squeezed his hands. "I told you that I realized that there was more than life than loveless relationships, and I meant that. I meant what I said when I told you I could solve my mom's murder and be with you all at the same time. I meant it when I said I loved you." As soon as the words left her mouth, her eyes glazed over, suddenly filled with tears, a wave of realization washing over her face. She pulled away, looking down to the ground, her hair covering her face. She willed herself not to cry as the words left her mouth. "You didn't mean it."

As soon as he heard those words, he jumped up out of his chair, walking over to her and taking her hands in his own. He would've pulled her into his arms and held her, but his mind wasn't having it. "No, I meant it when I said I loved you too." He lifted her chin so that he could see her face. She was crying, as much as she tried not to, and it broke his heart. A part of him wanted to hug her and apologize for all of this, but his mind was in battle with his heart. His mind won. "Kate, when you called that night, I wondered why. At the time, I knew your dad was here, and I thought you were still with Josh. You told me you'd call when we parted ways at the hospital, and you never did. It put doubt in my mind."

"Why did you come then?" she asked softly.

He watched her for a moment, looking into her eyes. She was hurting, and it was because of him. She was silently crying, watching him, begging for an answer to her question. "Love isn't a switch," he finally said. "Even with all of the doubt in my mind, I couldn't just ignore you. When you told me it was me you wanted here, my heart told me to come."

She was able to put the pieces together. "But your mind doesn't want you here."

He could only nod. She wanted to pull away, but she knew it wasn't the right thing to do. She had to stay. They had to resolve this, they had to clear the doubt from the air.

"Then why are you still here?" she finally asked. "If you have so much doubt about us, why are you still here? Why did you come back?"

"Because I love you," he said, his voice unwavering and confident. "My mind has its doubts, but I can't sit back while the woman I love is hurting and needs me."

"Well, then, I'll do whatever it takes to convince your mind that I'm here, that I want this," she said, reaching a hand up to cup his cheek. "I want this. I want _you_. I love you." She kissed him. "We'll get through this. We'll figure it out."

And now, his heart won as he kissed her. "We always have."

o.o.o.o.o

There was a newfound hope in Castle's mind after their conversation two weeks ago. If she was willing to work through things, then so was he. Kate Beckett was a stubborn woman, he knew that, and with a little patience, they'd get through this. It was hard for her to open up like she was, and with each step she took towards opening up to him, the hope in his mind grew. If she could do this, then so could he.

He'd taken to spending weekends with her at the cabin. It left the rest of his week free to spend time with Alexis and Martha, finalize _Heat Rises_, and work with Esposito and Ryan on Beckett's shooting. Though Gates kicked him out of the precinct, they continued to work with Castle. He wasn't a cop, but he was their brother in arms. A new captain wasn't going to change that. They agreed to keep her in the dark for the time being; her focus needed to be on her recovery, not her shooting. They could fill her in when she was back.

When he did come, he typically brought food with him, courtesy of himself and his family. It felt nice knowing that she had others rooting for her recovery. Her dad insisted on paying his family back for everything they'd done for them, but Castle insisted on it being okay, that it was the least they could do. It was Beckett that put an end to it, tired of her dad and boyfriend arguing over this when she was tired herself, but she insisted that it was okay; Martha and Alexis would be happiest knowing that she was okay, that she was coming back to the city, that Castle was happy.

Her dad relented, and they went to bed with the agreement that Beckett would get better and eventually return to work. But two hours into her sleep, she found a wave of nausea washing over her body. She rolled over in the bed, praying silently that she wouldn't be throwing up again. She'd thrown up that morning at the end of her physical therapy session, shortly after they'd called it quits for the day. She only had a lunch of crackers and Sprite, knowing she needed to eat something to keep her strength up for the rest of the day, and by dinner, she felt hungry enough to eat the meal Castle brough back with him.

But now, she felt nauseated, and she couldn't ignore it. That, coupled with the beginnings of yet another nightmare about her shooting, left her body trembling and shaking from sobs that she tried to muffle, so as not to wake up Castle. When the coughing started, she had to slip away, going straight to the bathroom and collapsing on the floor near the toilet. The cold floor felt nice, even through the fabric of her pajamas.

And then the vomiting started. She was throwing up everything she ate for dinner, and though she felt frustrated by it all, she couldn't stop it. When she was finally done a couple minutes later, she raised a weak arm to flush the toilet.

She leaned back, and she would've slid back to the wall until she fell into Castle's body behind her. He wrapped an arm around her, and she just shifted to allow herself to be as comfortable as she could be on the floor in his arms. A weak smile formed on her lips as Castle dabbed a cool towel on her face.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, closing her eyes. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"Shhh, Kate, it's okay," he whispered, placing a gentle kiss on the top of her head. "You don't have to apologize."

She had to pull herself back to the toilet. Another round of vomit came along, and this time, Castle was there by her side, holding her long, curly hair and gently rubbing her back.

When she was done, she fell back into his body again. Her eyes were closed, but she was still awake. He knew because of how she snuggled into his embrace, the way she shivered when he pressed the cold rag to her forehead, the way her hands had a strong hold on his grey t-shirt he wore to bed, despite how weak she felt right now.

Ten minutes passed before he was able to get her to stand up long enough to rinse the taste of vomit out of her mouth and get her back into the bed. The entire time, she used whatever strength she had to cling to him.

"I guess I overdid it today with the physical therapy," she said softly, her voice hoarse. They were back in the bed together, but she still clung to his body. His arm was wrapped around her, holding her close.

"Maybe," he replied. The answer he really wanted to give her was yes, but he knew better than to push it. The last time he even tried to tell her she was overdoing it, they were at one of her physical therapy sessions. She insisted he come that day, wanting to show him just how far she'd come. She was so proud of herself, but he saw the toll it was taking on her still recovering body.

She snapped at him that day, and when they got back to the cabin, they fought. It was so bad that he decided to head back to the loft because he needed some space. She was angry that he saw her as weak, unable to handle the pressure; she believed that she wouldn't be able to handle life as a cop anymore, even with the therapy. He just wanted her to pace herself, to not push herself so much. Eventually, it reached a boiling point, and it was best to separate for the time being than continue fighting.

They talked a bit through text messages once they'd cooled down, but for the most part, their contact was minimal. She spent her week resting and learning to pace herself with her recovery, which for her, was easier said than done. He spent his week with the boys at the loft, pouring himself into the case of her shooting. Boxes and boxes of files were at his place, the only safe place they were right now in light of Captain Gates closing the case. They had no real leads, and bodies continued to drop in the city. Priorities had to be made, and Beckett's shooting was no longer a priority.

They agreed not to tell her about it. All three of them knew that she wouldn't take it well, and she'd want to throw herself back into her job before she was ready to. For Ryan and Esposito, Beckett was like their big sister, the one they turned to for advice and support, the one they felt a need to protect. For Castle, Beckett was the woman of his dreams, the last face he wanted to see at night and the first he saw in the morning, the one he was willing to jump in front of a bullet for.

Telling her could wait.

"No," she said softly. "Not maybe. Yes."

"What?" he asked. She shifted in his arms, wincing as the scar pulled, to look up at him.

"You wanted to say yes," she said. "But you didn't because you didn't want to make me mad again."

"Well, I never did like it when you were angry with me," he admitted, a bit of a smile forming on his lips.

She nodded, shifting again to rest her head on his chest, where she could hear the rhythm of his heartbeat. It always soothed her, even on her worst days. "I'm going to take it easy for a few days. You're right, I'm pushing myself too hard. Between that and the nightmares I still have sometimes, it's a lot."

Castle's smile grew. He wouldn't deny that it was great seeing her come so far after the shooting about a month and a half ago, but he also couldn't deny he hated seeing her body give out on her from too much strain. She was getting stronger, everyone around her could see that; she was able to get through her days without needing a nap. Her favorite part was being able to drink coffee again. _Caffeinated _coffee, not just decaf. She missed that a lot.

"I'm proud of you," he whispered. "I'm so, so proud of you."

She shifted to look up at him, propping herself up on her arm and gazing into those bright blue eyes. There was that loving smile on his face, the one that always made her smile too, no matter how hard she tried not to. He reached up to tuck some of her hair behind her ear and rested his hand on her cheek.

"You've come so far," he said softly. "You're opening up, letting people in. You're getting stronger every day. I'm so proud of you, and I'm so lucky I get to stand by you and see it all."

Beckett leaned forward and placed a kiss on his lips, resting her forehead on his. "I wouldn't want to share any of this with anyone else."


	4. Family

**Author's Note:** I only have a couple more chapters planned out for this, so unfortunately, this one will be coming to an end soon. But I do have other stories I've been working on, and I've got so many ideas running through my head. I'm looking forward to exploring these characters more in the future, but for now, I'm satisfied with exploring them in this world. Also, chapter titles are hard.

Stay With Me  
Chapter 4 - Family

Kate Beckett was a little over two weeks out from being able to return to work. Her physical therapist cleared her for duty a couple days ago, but it came with the recommendation that she wait out the last two weeks of her work enforced medical leave before returning. Castle and Jim agreed with the recommendation; both knew that she'd throw herself into her work with an unwavering persistence and an inability to back down until justice was served. Beckett agreed, if only because she admitted that they were right.

The night after she found out, she spoke to Castle about giving her space for the last couple weeks she was on leave. In the almost two months she'd been at the cabin, whenever he was there with her, they were inseparable; he was there almost every weekend, occasionally staying for longer. They needed some time apart. The more time they spent together, the more time she felt like she was becoming dependent on him. She needed to make sure that she was able to handle things on her own, without him by her side. Beckett was a very independent woman, and as much as she needed Castle by her side, she also knew that she needed to be able to do things on her own.

Castle knew that just as much as she did, so he agreed.

The following morning, while Beckett was still sleeping, Castle caught up with Jim before he stepped out for the day. Her father was increasingly comfortable with leaving his daughter alone in the cabin now, even on the days Castle wasn't there with her, so he was heading back to the city for a few hours a day to do some work.

"I'll be going back to the city Monday morning," he said over coffee.

"Are you coming back?" Jim asked. Castle shook his head. "Why not?"

"She wanted some space," Castle replied. At the look on Jim's face, Castle let out a nervous laugh. "We're not breaking up or anything. She just wanted some time to make sure she was okay without me."

A wave of understanding washed over Jim at Castle's words. "She's a strong girl, Rick."

"I know," Castle replied, smiling. "But um, I wanted to do something for her before I left, but I didn't want to intrude on anything."

"Of course. What is it?" Jim asked.

Castle took a quick glance at Beckett's bedroom door. It was still closed. She couldn't be awake just yet; it was too early. In the months she'd been out of work, she enjoyed sleeping in; it was something she never got to do except on her days off. "I wanted to bring some of her friends from work over," he said, looking back to Jim. "Just Lanie, Esposito, and Ryan."

"When?" Jim asked.

"Um, Saturday night?" Castle replied. Their weekend was free, but all three of them insisted that Castle and Beckett be able to spend their last night together alone. Lanie was the most persistent about it, but the boys backed her up.

All three of them knew about their relationship. Beckett told Lanie a couple days after they got together; it was a little odd overhearing that conversation because the way Beckett spoke to Lanie was so very unlike her, but Castle saw the happiness in her eyes, heard it in her voice. It was odd, but it was cute in a way, as if another layer of the Beckett onion was peeled away and Castle saw another side to her, the girly side that was hidden under the tough side that she put on about ninety-nine percent of the time. Lanie let it slip to Esposito and Ryan when the boys pressured her on it, and then the boys pressured Castle on it when they were at his loft one evening, working on the case of Beckett's shooting. Ethics regulations dictated that coworkers couldn't be engaged in relationships, so the three of them were sworn to secrecy. Beckett didn't care about the three of them knowing, though she wasn't too happy about Esposito and Ryan finding out from Lanie, but she knew the three of them would keep the secret. All three of them knew the rules, but they also knew how much of an asset Castle was to their cases. A silly regulation around co-workers dating wasn't going to take their Castle away from them.

It helped that the three of them were also sworn to secrecy about the details surrounding Beckett's shooting and Castle being kicked out of the precinct by the new captain.

"I'll give you the weekend," Jim replied, a knowing smile forming on his lips.

"I… I don't need…" Castle started.

"I'll come back Monday morning," Jim said, standing up. "Stay out of everyone's hair for the weekend. I don't want to walk in on anything."

"I don't… Mr. Beckett, I'm not…" Castle said, unable to find the right words to say.

"Rick," Jim said, his voice firm. "It's okay. I trust you." His expression darkened, and Castle felt his whole body tense up. "But if you ever hurt my Katie, you will pay for it."

Castle was silent for a moment, letting Jim's words sink in. He understood where Jim was coming from; he would've said the same thing to any boy in a serious relationship with Alexis. It was different being on the other side of it though. The front door to the cabin was opened and Jim was halfway out the door when Castle came back to reality. "Jim?"

"Yes?" he said, turning to look at Castle.

"Don't tell Kate," Castle said. "I want it to be a surprise for her."

Jim nodded. "It'll be our little secret."

Once Jim was out the door, Castle jumped up and peeked into the bedroom. Beckett was starting to wake up, so as he went to sit down, he pulled his phone from his pocket and sent a quick text to Lanie, Esposito, and Ryan to give them the okay to come out Saturday night.

"Castle, what are you doing?" Beckett mumbled, shifting to sit up.

"Nothing," he replied quickly, locking his phone screen. He leaned down to place a kiss on her head. "Good morning, beautiful."

Beckett rubbed the sleep from her eyes and looked at him suspiciously, but Castle just smiled. She watched him for a moment, hoping she could break him just by looking at him, but after a couple minutes of neither of them speaking up, she rolled her eyes and got out of bed.

"Coffee's ready!" Castle called out as she left the room.

Jim didn't break the news to Beckett that he would be away for the weekend until Saturday morning over breakfast. She was disappointed, as to be expected, but Jim knew that Castle was leaving Monday morning. Beckett broke the news to him the same day Castle asked for permission to invite her friends over. When he left after breakfast, he promised his daughter they'd do something special before they had to move her things back to her apartment and she had to jump the final hurdles to get her badge back.

The couple spent most of the day watching old movies. They went for a walk at one point after lunch, but when they got back, they were back on the couch watching old movies again.

It wasn't until someone knocked at the door that Castle jumped. Beckett looked at him, raising an eyebrow.

"We didn't order anything," she said, standing up to go peek out the window. Castle was quick to jump up and wrap his arms around her.

"Nope, we didn't," Castle whispered. "I did."

"Babe, what are you talking about?" Beckett asked as Castle slipped away to go to the front door. He just looked over to her with a grin on his face before opening the door.

Her eyes widened at the sight. Lanie didn't even wait for an invitation to come in, and she went straight to Beckett after passing off the grocery bags to Castle. Before Beckett could even react, the girls were hugging and smiling and laughing.

Once Lanie let go of Beckett long enough to let her breathe, the boys swooped in for hugs too. Beckett smiled. After nearly three months, it was so nice to see them again. She and Lanie talked regularly, especially when she and Castle had their moments, but it was all over the phone, either from talking or from texting. From the boys, there was nothing but silence, other than the stories she heard from Castle.

"Did you guys find anything about the shooter?" Beckett asked after they sat down. Castle was still in the kitchen, laying everything out that Lanie and the boys brought with them. Lanie hesitated, and the boys just looked to Castle. Beckett looked between the three of them. "Guys?"

No one said anything. Castle had each of them promise not to bring up the case, or lack thereof, while they were at the cabin. All of them knew she would ask, but they all agreed that she deserved her time away from it. All of them knew first hand how she constantly threw herself into her work.

There was also the issue of the case being closed because of a lack of leads, but she didn't need to know that now.

Beckett got the hint and stood up to join Castle in the kitchen. All eyes were on them.

"I asked them not to talk about the case," Castle said, loud enough for everyone to hear. When he continued, he lowered his voice with the intent that only Beckett would hear him but knowing that Lanie and the boys were listening in too. "You're still on leave, Kate. Tonight is supposed to be fun and stress free."

Beckett frowned. Castle was right, but she wanted answers. She _deserved_ answers.

"And… I believe I have something you've been looking forward to," Castle sang. He came from behind the counter that separated them with his hands behind his back. Beckett raised an eyebrow. What could he possibly have that she was looking forward to besides answers to all the questions that raced through her mind the past few months, questions that not even Castle's presence could stop?

She opened her mouth to speak, but he presented her with a bottle of red wine. There was no stopping the smile that spread on Beckett's lips when she saw it.

There wasn't much Beckett missed while she was recovering from the shooting. Her job was one of them, though she understood the need to be away from it; she would be no use in bringing justice to victims when she was dealing with the physical pain of her shooting. The other two were coffee and wine. Her doctor cleared her to drink both again a few weeks ago in one of their last appointments, but she opted to wait until she was back in her apartment to indulge in alcohol again out of respect for her dad. She didn't want to reopen old wounds by doing so in his presence.

"Lanie did an excellent job choosing the finest red wine," Castle said as Beckett took the bottle from him.

"You're damn right I did," Lanie chimed in, jumping up from her seat on the couch and throwing an arm around Beckett's shoulders. "My best friend only gets the finest." She grabbed the corkscrew from the counter and handed it to her friend. "Now Kate Beckett, I don't want to hear another work related question come out of your mouth tonight. I want you to open this bottle of wine and enjoy this night."

Beckett nodded, and once the bottle was open, the five of them were gathered around the coffee table. They were chatting, playing games, watching silly videos on YouTube, doing anything and everything they could think of that didn't involve life at the Twelfth. It wasn't until after one in the morning that any of them realized how time flew by them, and they decided to part ways.

"Guys," Beckett said before they could get out the door. "Thank you."

"Oh, Kate," Lanie said, throwing her arms around her friend. "We've always got your back."

"Yeah, Beckett, we'll always be here for you," Ryan chimed in, patting her on the shoulder.

"That's what family's for," Esposito added, nodding.

Beckett's smile grew as her friends released her and she fell into Castle's one armed embrace. They said their goodbyes again, and once the door was closed and they retreated to her room, she snuggled into his body once they were in bed.

"You didn't have to do this," she said, shifting to look at him. "Inviting them over and everything."

"But it was worth it to see you so happy," Castle replied, grinning.

o.o.o.o.o

Their last day together was spent just like any other day they spent together. They started their morning in the kitchen with coffee prepared by Castle. They worked together on breakfast, partaking in some light hearted bantering in the process of preparing the food.

They got dressed and made their way back to the living room. She was curled up on the couch, and he was seated on the floor, the coffee table and the Monopoly board on the table the only thing dividing them. His eyes were focused on the game, scanning the board. Three other spots were set up, for Lanie, Esposito, and Ryan, from when they'd started this game last night, but their friends were knocked out of the game and it was just between the two of them.

They finished the game, and Castle came out as the winner, much to Beckett's frustration, which faded away as soon as he wrapped his arms around her and started kissing her. She rolled her eyes at first, but it didn't take her long to melt into his loving gesture.

And at the end of their day, they were tired, laying in her bed, his arm wrapped around her, tracing circles on her shoulder blade, her snuggled into his embrace. They were content like this. They had each other, and they were happy.

She shifted, propping herself up on one elbow to look into his eyes. "Hey," she said softly. "Thank you."

He looked over to her, a bit of a smile forming on his lips. "For what?"

"Everything," she replied. "Coming that night I called, putting up with me the last few months, for last night… You didn't have to do any of that."

"Kate, do you know why I would bring you a cup of coffee every morning?" he asked. She shook her head. "Because I got to see you smile. And that's what happened when I came to see you that night you called, it's what I've gotten to see these last few months, it's what I got to see last night. You're right, I didn't have to do any of it, but I wanted to." He smiled. "And I'd do it all again because it was worth every second I got to see that smile on your face."

She giggled, shifting again to rest her head on his chest, listening to his heart beat. This was perfect. There was a part of her that didn't want this to end, but she had to remind herself that this was necessary. She was in love, but time apart would do them some good, give them something to talk about when they reunited in the city, back at the precinct on her first day back.

For now, she would enjoy this. She would enjoy sharing her bed with him, laying in his loving embrace, being able to rest her head on his chest and fall asleep to the sound of his heart beat.

This was bliss.


	5. Coming Home

**Author's Note:** Right now, I've only got one more chapter planned for this story. I could push it to go longer, but I don't think it'd feel organic, and I would rather things end organically than forcing them to continue on until another organic ending comes along. This chapter brings us back to 4x01, after the three month time skip, but it'll be changed up a bit to accommodate the budding Caskett romance. Also, to the reviewer that asked how the boys and Lanie would've gotten home after some fun at the Beckett cabin, that's a fair point I didn't think about. I know Lanie has her two drink limit, but I can't see one bottle of wine being split among five people lasting very long either. I think one of them would've been okay enough to drive home, but that's definitely something I'll have to keep in mind for the future, not just for Castle stories but for anything involving alcohol. I definitely don't condone drinking and driving, and I don't want it to come off that way in any of my stories. Lesson learned!

Stay With Me  
Chapter 5 - Coming Home

Despite her physical therapist's recommendation and Castle and her dad's agreement with it, Beckett couldn't wait out the two weeks. She spent a day with her dad as promised, but the day after that, she was moving back into her apartment and taking her psych eval. She was cleared for work, though it took a little lying about not remembering anything from her shooting, despite what she told Castle, and the next morning, she was throwing on a turtleneck, some slacks, a blazer, and her signature heels. Her hair was thrown up into a bun, and she was walking back into that precinct. She was walking back into her home.

Though she held her head up high, there was still a level of apprehension as she stepped out of the elevator and took in the bullpen. It hadn't changed in the three months she was gone. Her desk was the same as she'd left it, and Castle's chair was still there. But her eyes fell on the captain's office for a brief moment, and she remembered that something _did_ change.

Montgomery was dead. They had a new captain. The bare bones of the precinct was the same, but the environment wouldn't be.

The applause started as soon as her colleagues noticed her, and it brought her back to reality. Soon enough, everyone was clapping, and she managed a small smile as she made her way to her desk. She caught Ryan and Esposito's eyes, and she was grateful that they were moving to join her. Being the center of attention was never her thing, and the boys knew that. She appreciated the gesture, but she was glad the boys stepped up when they did.

"Thought you weren't coming back till next week," Ryan said.

"Yeah, well, two months of listening to crickets in my dad's cabin and doing nothing other than…" she trailed off, taking a glance around the bullpen, avoiding the captain's office because it was still a reminder that Montgomery was gone and she had to deal with the changes that came with a new leadership. "It was driving me crazy."

"It's okay, Beckett, we know you missed us," Esposito said. Under any other circumstances, he would've pushed her to finish her thought about how she spent her time up at the cabin. But today, he and Ryan knew where Beckett was going with her thoughts, and in their present company, they knew better than to push it because doing so would've revealed her relationship to Castle. Gates already didn't want him around, but she really wouldn't allow him to stick around if she knew of his and Beckett's relationship; at least with the relationship under wraps and Beckett being back at the Twelfth, they had a chance to get Castle back, to have their full team once again.

"Shut up," she said, smiling as she rolled her eyes. There was silence between them, one that she broke. "So? Anything?"

"Nothing," Ryan replied.

"What about the groundskeeper?" she asked. It was the last bit of knowledge she had from before there was radio silence on her shooting, and it was something she got while she was still in the hospital. Being kept in the dark frustrated her, but she supposed it was for the best, given the circumstances.

Now that she was back though, she wanted to know everything.

"Nothing," Ryan said. "The guy's a ghost. We tried checking everything, but nothing came up."

"All we got were prints off the weapon, but they're not in the system," Esposito added. "We flagged it though."

They could see the frustration starting in Beckett's face. The boys looked at each other. "Didn't Castle tell you all this?" Ryan finally asked, looking back to Beckett.

"No," she replied as she draped her blazer over the back of her chair.

"That's weird. Why would he hide that from you?" Esposito asked. They knew the night they were all together in the cabin was a night where they wouldn't discuss the case, but that was just one night of many.

"He's not hiding anything," Beckett replied. "We just never talked about the case."

The boys exchanged a look as Beckett moved to the break room. They followed. There was no way Beckett could've gone three months without talking about her shooting. She would've wanted information, like she did the night they were all together.

"He was here with us whenever he wasn't with you," Esposito said. "He'd still be here if the new captain hadn't kicked him out."

Her eyes widened. Castle never told her any of this. The whole time, he pretended to know nothing of what was going on, and when he told her that, she believed him. After all, in the three years they'd worked together, he was almost never at the precinct without her, except on the rare occasion where he showed up before her. He knew so much, and he kept all of it from her. The frustration she felt from the boys having no leads was starting to turn into frustration with Castle for keeping all of this from her.

"She kicked him out?" she asked after a moment. Her frustration with Castle could wait until later. She didn't need to take it out on the boys. "Why?"

"New captain doesn't have room in her precinct for writers turned cop," Ryan said. He nodded towards the captain's direction; she was looking at a file, making her way back to her office. "Captain Victoria Gates, aka Iron Gates. She's very by the book, worked as a detective with Internal Affairs before coming here."

A small smile formed on Beckett's lips. "Well, that's not gonna win her any popularity points."

"Yeah, well, she's no Montgomery, that's for sure," Esposito said, glancing over from his spot by the door.

"Hey, she doesn't know about the bank yet," Ryan said.

"Bank? What bank?" Beckett asked.

Esposito and Ryan exchanged a look, and they switched spots, Ryan keeping watch at the door and Esposito moving closer to Beckett.

"Castle suggested checking out Montgomery, McAllister, and Raglan to see who they were with back in the day," Esposito explained. "We found the money trail, but the files went missing when the bank closed. We were trying to find them when Iron Gates shut down the investigation."

"What?" Beckett asked. "She shut it down? Why?"

"No new leads on the shooter," Ryan said. "We couldn't say anything without implicating Montgomery."

Beckett looked to both of the boys, then to the doors that led to Gates' office. She couldn't believe this. Someone shot her, one of the NYPD's finest detectives, and then as soon as there were no new leads on the shooter, the case was shut down?

No. Absolutely not. If this was her precinct, she would've spent her own time searching for leads if she had to. She was willing to let other cases take precedence over her own; after all, bodies didn't stop dropping just because she was on medical leave for three months. But like their other murders, no one just attempted an assassination on a cop and got away with it.

She finished preparing her coffee and stopped only at her desk to set the drink down and grab her psych eval paperwork before going to Gates' office and pushing the door open, knocking as she entered.

"Ma'am," she said.

"If my mother shows up, you can call her ma'am," Gates said, not looking up from the file she was looking at. "You can call me sir or captain."

Beckett suppressed the urge to roll her eyes as she closed the door and approached the desk. "Detective Beckett, back on active as of today," she said, unfolding the paperwork and setting it on the captain's desk with a little more force than she'd intended.

She wasn't happy about the investigation on her shooter being closed, but she wasn't going to let that frustration be known, not quite yet anyways. At best, Beckett would be able to let her rising frustration loose on Gates, who certainly deserved it a lot more than the boys did right now.

"Your reputation precedes you, detective," Gates said as she read over Beckett's evaluation. "Youngest woman to ever make detective, beat me by six weeks."

Now Beckett couldn't help but roll her eyes. Of course she was keeping score.

"Everyone keeps score, detective. Especially downtown," Gates said. Of course they did. "You passed your psych eval, so here's your badge. Welcome back."

She reached into the drawer and took Beckett's badge out, handing it to her. Beckett clipped the badge on the waistband of her slacks. "I'll need my gun too."

"Not until you requalify," Gates said.

"I'm sorry?" Beckett asked.

Gates didn't miss a beat as she looked up at Beckett. "You were on disability for three months. Regs say you have to requalify."

Beckett bit her bottom lip for just a moment, searching for the right words to say, but knowing that she had to requalify for her gun triggered something in her. She managed to keep her cool when she spoke. "What about my case? What do regs say about that?"

"Three months with no leads and homicides still coming in that door?" Gates asked. "What did you want me to do? There were good people on that case, detective, but I couldn't just let them keep treading water."

"With all due respect, sir, those people weren't me," Beckett said, glancing out at the bullpen. Esposito and Ryan were great detectives. She would never deny that. They were the best teammates she could've ever asked for, but they weren't her. She was their fearless leader for a reason. She was the one that always put the pieces together. They complimented each others' strengths and weaknesses.

So did Castle. The four of them were an amazing team. Three years ago, she may have been able to deny that, but now, she couldn't. Four sets of eyes on one case meant sooner or later, one of them would catch onto something that would crack the case wide open and help them find their killer.

"Look, I don't know what kind of show Montgomery was running here, but it'll be a cold day in hell before I let any cop investigate their own shooting," Gates said, standing up. "Do we understand each other, detective?"

She had to look away for a moment, but at Gates' question, she looked back to her new captain. There was a part of her that wanted to fight this, to convince Gates that she had every right to investigate her own shooting, but she bit her tongue. There was a better way to go about all of this, and it involved talking to Castle, frustrated as she was with him. "Yes, sir."

Before Gates could even consider saying another word, Beckett walked out of the office.

"I want my gun," she said as she walked by the boys, doing nothing to hide the frustration in her voice.

o.o.o.o.o

She slipped away from the precinct after lunch, after spending a good portion of her morning working on the paperwork she needed to get done. She planned to spend her afternoon in the shooting range, but there was something she needed to get done first. Going to the range while she was frustrated was cathartic, but she wanted her gun back, and to do so, she would need to be focused and grounded, not angry and frustrated.

Getting some fresh air and getting away from the frustrating environment of the precinct would do her some good, so she made her way to Castle's book signing for _Heat Wave_. It would've been easy for her to just have him sign her copy when they were alone together, but their relationship was still under the table. Other than a few passing text messages, neither of them really spoke to each other either; she was busy adjusting to the new leadership at the precinct, and he had to deal with the last minute preparations for his book signing.

But she needed to talk to him, and this felt like the best way to do it.

"We need to talk," she said softly after he signed the book. "When you're done here."

He only smiled and nodded before she walked away. She made her way to the park across the street from the bookstore, sitting on one of the swings. Beckett sent him a quick text to let him know where to meet her, and then she flipped open the book.

"Sorry," Castle said an hour later when he finally arrived. "Got a little held up back there."

"It's fine," Beckett replied, closing the book. "I like the dedication."

"Thank you," Castle replied, sitting on the swing next to her. "So what did you want to talk about?"

"The boys told me about how you followed a money trail to a bank that closed down," Beckett said. "Were you able to find the files?"

"I did," Castle said. "They were moved to an old warehouse, but a couple years after, they were destroyed in a fire."

"Did you read the report?" Beckett asked.

"No, it was an accident. Faulty wiring," Castle replied.

"It was no accident," Beckett replied, shaking her head. "Destroying files in a fire and making it look like an accident is no more trouble than they've already gone through. We have to read that report." She paused, looking away from him for a moment. He answered all of her questions so willingly now, without any hesitation. When she asked him over the summer while she was recovering, he only hesitated and told her they hadn't found anything beyond the groundskeeper. At the time, she thought it was because the boys were busy with other cases and Castle didn't have the heart to tell her that their priorities lied elsewhere, and she thought nothing of it, figuring Castle would tell her something when they had a lead that got them somewhere. Now that she was back and knew the truth, there were a number of emotions that went through her, none of them positive, but one thing certain: she needed answers. "Castle, why didn't you tell me any of this?"

He sighed. The moment he lied to her and told her they had nothing, deep down, he knew this would come up eventually. There was a part of him that hoped it wouldn't, that he'd be able to tell her about what he'd found before the boys told her, but he knew she'd gone back to work earlier than planned. He should've known that this would come up, that as soon as she set foot in that precinct and got a moment alone with the boys, she'd press them for answers.

"You wanted to get away from everything," Castle finally said. "The night you called and asked me to come up to the cabin, you didn't want me to come out there and talk about the case. You wanted someone to be there for you, to comfort you, to make everything go away, to help you put the pieces of your life back together, to remind you that you weren't alone. It didn't stop me from looking into the case when I wasn't with you, but you were already dealing with enough with your recovery. I didn't want to add more to the pile of things you needed to deal with." He paused, letting out a small sigh. "I was going to tell you once you got settled back into work, see if we could find a lead."

The frustration inside her went away at his words. She could appreciate that he wanted her to focus on her recovery, as much as she didn't want to at times, instead wishing she could dive right back into her work and ignore her problems like she used to. She was glad she had Castle to ground her, to keep her from drowning in her problems and her job. "Well, we have one, but there's just one problem," she said, a smile forming on her lips. Castle looked over at her, an eyebrow raised. "How are you gonna help if Gates kicked you out?"

He let out a quiet laugh. "I let her kick me out. There was no reason to stay," Castle replied, grinning. Beckett nodded, rolling her eyes, but that did nothing to stop the mischievous look in his eyes. "Don't worry, she'll let me back."

o.o.o.o.o

True to Castle fashion, he was able to play the cards in his favor and get Gates to let him back in, though it was the mayor that did most of the talking. It didn't help his relationship with the new captain, which was already strained, but he felt convinced that he could win her over. It didn't help Beckett's relationship with her either, but at least it was salvageable; they'd just gotten started on the wrong foot. They could still learn to respect each other. Still, Beckett couldn't suppress her smile when Gates laid into Castle for his actions.

And she got her gun back. It was a good day for sure.

The cherry on top was Esposito getting the report for the warehouse fire. She asked him specifically knowing that between him and Ryan, Esposito was more willing to take the risk. In light of their new leadership, there was a level of apprehension with the boys when it came to investigating her case, especially with Ryan. She didn't have the heart to make things worse for him.

Before they could do anything though, Beckett was sent to the Lower East Side with the boys to meet up with the victim's boyfriend. She passed the file off to Castle, telling him to hide it. He did so, at first in his pants and later in the glove compartment of Beckett's squad car while they were out.

When they got to the band practice site, Beckett felt a little apprehension, but she pushed it to the back of her mind. She had her gun, she would be fine. The boys took point, and she didn't have the heart to argue. It would've just wasted time and possibly alerted their suspect to their presence. It wasn't worth it.

And besides, her original plan was to sit this one out.

Inside, they kicked the door down, and for the most part, the band seemed to cooperate with their demands to put their hands in the air. Except for one, who decided that after taking one look at them, it would be best to run. There was always a runner, and Beckett was the one to chase after him.

A locked door hindered his progress in getting away from her, but he heard her footsteps and turned, pointing a gun at her.

She froze. Her breathing started to get shaky, but it quickly picked up as she tried to maintain her composure. Her hands were trembling. All she could think about was a bullet going straight to her heart again, even though she wore her vest. She heard the boys footsteps behind her, and that helped to ground her, knowing there was back up coming, but it wasn't until their suspect was on the ground being cuffed that she was really able to come down from her panic.

They returned to the precinct, and she allowed Ryan and Esposito to handle the interrogation. She was in observation when Castle came, holding two mugs of coffee in his hands. She felt comforted by the sight, and she was suddenly grateful that he was able to worm his way back into the precinct, back to her side.

It was a rocky start, but the precinct was starting to feel a little bit like home again.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked, handing her one of the coffees.

"About what?" she asked, taking the coffee from him.

"Kate, your hand was shaking," he replied.

She shook her head, a small smile forming on her lips. "I'm fine. It was nothing."

Her smile did nothing to reassure him, and he could tell it wasn't doing much to reassure her either. It was her second day back, and she was already starting to fall apart. "It didn't look like nothing."

"Yeah, well, it won't happen again," Beckett replied, taking a sip of her coffee.

"And if it does?" Castle asked.

"It won't," Beckett said. He would've said more, to keep pushing despite knowing that she would likely get frustrated with him, but the look she gave him stopped him from doing so. "Now come on, we're gonna go talk to Halstead."

As Castle predicted, talking to Halstead got them nowhere. All it did was frustrate Beckett and led her to call Esposito to have him send files on the fire's lead investigator to her apartment. All he could see was her losing control, and the concern he felt only grew.

He knew this would happen, but he hoped that it wouldn't happen so quickly. He hoped that she would've at least given herself time to get back into the routine of her job before she threw herself at the investigation of her own shooting.

o.o.o.o.o

Esposito pulled through and had the files at Beckett's apartment shortly after she got home that evening, bringing Castle along with her. They spent the evening looking over the files, searching for something, anything, that would prove the report was falsified, to prove that Halstead was involved in all of this just as she suspected.

Something that would prove she was right and Castle was wrong. Something that would give her a _lead_.

"What if Halstead was right? What if this really was an accident?" Castle finally asked after hours of looking over the files.

Beckett shook her head, trying to suppress the emotions that were starting to rise up over the walls she put up. "It can't be an accident because if it was, I've got nowhere to start," she said. As soon as she started speaking, she felt herself losing control, but she couldn't stop talking. "If this was an accident, then I've got nothing. The guy who shot me is gone. Dick Coonan, gone. Hal Lockwoood, gone." Despite her best efforts to reel in her emotions that now flowed over the wall, her voice cracked and the tears that were threatening to spill over moments ago finally started falling. Castle was on his feet, but she took a step back and continued. "Montgomery, gone. My mom, gone. Everybody is gone, Castle."

She let out a shaky sigh when she was done, trying to put herself back together even though her emotions wanted to come out from behind the wall she kept them behind. Castle took a hesitant step towards her, waiting to see if she would back away again like she did just a moment ago, but when she made no motion to move, he let that hesitation go, closing the gap between them and pulling her into a hug.

The moment his arms wrapped around her, the wall came crashing down and brought all the emotions she held back with it. She buried herself in his embrace and let the tears fall. Neither of them said anything; the only sound came from her sobs. He rubbed her back, placing gentle kisses on the top of her head.

"I'm not gone," he said softly after a moment, when he felt her shift in his embrace. "I'm right here. You've got me, you've got Esposito, you've got Ryan, and you've got Lanie. We've all got your back."

She let out a shaky sigh, raising a hand to wipe at her eyes. When she finally shifted again, looking up at him with her hands resting on his chest, he could see her bloodshot eyes and the pain, frustration, and fear in them. He cupped her cheek and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. "It's going to be okay, Kate. We're going to find whoever did this. It might not be tonight, or tomorrow, or the day after, but I promise we'll find who did this," he said.

Beckett only nodded. Maybe he was right. Maybe they just needed more time. It took her twelve years to reach this point. A little more time couldn't hurt, especially if it meant getting justice. She took his hands in her own and gave them a gentle squeeze, managing a small smile on her face.

Her mind went back to one of the last things Montgomery said to her before he was killed, that in this world, you could only find a place to make your stand. She could remember including it in her eulogy that she read at his funeral, adding that if you were lucky, you'd find someone to stand with you. When she said it, she looked back at Castle, a faint smile forming on her lips for that brief moment they locked eyes; she found reassurance in his gaze, the strength to continue on in that difficult moment.

Castle was the one willing to stand with her. Despite everything she'd put him through, despite everything they'd been through together, despite all the times she tried to push him away, he was the one willing to stay by her side, the one who kept coming back. He was the one keeping her grounded. He was the one who was going to keep her from falling back down the rabbit hole.

She really was a lucky woman.


	6. Solid Ground & Small, Clear Voices

**Author's Note:** The final chapter. But while this tale is coming to an end, I've got many more spinning in my mind. I want to give a big shout out to my readers and reviewers; I never imagined I would have this much love for my story, and I appreciate all of it, the good and the bad. I hope y'all are staying safe out there in this crazy world, and that you're making it through everything that's going on alright! Stay safe, readers!

Stay With Me

Chapter 6 - Solid Ground & Small, Clear Voices

With each day she was back at the precinct, Beckett felt herself getting stronger, physically, emotionally, and mentally. The first case she worked when she got back, she had her doubts, but Castle was there, supporting her as he'd always done for the last three years. Even on her worst days, he was there.

She could never thank him enough for what he'd done for her.

But when they were out at the crime scene of their latest case, Beckett saw where the bullet hit their victim. She placed a hand over the spot where a bullet hit her just four months ago. There was a tightness in her chest, but she kept it together.

It seemed to fade away as they went back to the precinct to talk to their victim's fiancée, but when they got to the morgue, it returned. There was an odd feeling in the air when she walked in, something she'd never felt before there. She could sense Lanie's apprehension. She felt like Esposito was hiding something from her. It wasn't until they were talking about the murder weapon and where the shot came from that Beckett understood.

"You guys don't have to avoid the word on my account," she said.

"What word?" Esposito asked.

Beckett rolled her eyes. "Sniper."

No one pushed it, but they stopped avoiding the word on her account, as she'd requested.

When she was back at her apartment that night, she couldn't help but look at her scars in the mirror. She touched each one, her hand lingering the longest on the one on her chest. The longer she looked, the more her mind traveled back to that day. She heard the gunshot, and her whole body trembled. She could hear the screams from the crowd gathered to honor Montgomery. She could hear Ryan's voice. She could hear Castle's voice.

Beckett took a deep breath. She had to steel herself. These families deserved justice. It was her job to give it to them.

It was a rough night for her. Castle offered to stay with her in light of recent events, but she was adamant that she was okay. He didn't push it, but as she found herself struggling to sleep, she wished she'd taken him up on his offer.

She was walking to their latest crime scene with Castle and Esposito when she felt herself start to unravel again. She tried to rationalize it as a lack of sleep, but she couldn't hide the way she looked back when she heard a car door slamming shut, thinking for a brief moment that it was a gunshot. She couldn't hide the way she started to stumble over her words, but she was able to take a deep breath, and that helped a little bit.

At least until they started talking about how he was shot from higher up than their previous one.

She found herself looking to all of the buildings, but she found herself struggling to fight with the rising panic inside of her. She saw glimmers of light from each building. She could've sworn she felt the crosshairs on her again. There was a tightness in her chest that she could no longer fight off.

Beckett could hear Castle's voice, but she was too busy watching the buildings to really say anything. She was too busy waiting to hear another gunshot. She was waiting for that familiar sense of pain to come shooting through her again.

Lanie's voice brought her back to reality. It wasn't enough to ground her to the reality where she didn't have the crosshairs on her back, but it was enough to bring her focus back to the case, even if only partially. Part of her mind was still on the panic she felt inside, and she couldn't hide it anymore. She was stumbling over her words more than she did earlier. There was no more pretending her behavior this morning was from a lack of sleep.

Another deep breath calmed her, allowed her to steel herself, but the tension was still there.

And then she heard the sirens. She dropped to the ground.

She saw Esposito, Lanie, and Castle look at each other for a moment, and then their attention was on her.

In that moment, she realized that she was losing control. She realized that maybe she wasn't quite as strong as she thought she was. She realized that no matter how much she tried to hide the panic and anxiety she felt about this case, her closest friends would see through it.

Castle tried to rationalize it, telling her it was all fine, that what she felt was normal, but it wasn't. Kate Beckett wasn't just an ordinary person. She was a cop. She was the one that brought justice to the families of New York City. She was the one that was meant to be strong and fearless in the face of adversity.

And now she was falling apart in front of her friends, in front of her colleagues, at a crime scene.

"Just don't," she snapped at him, in the middle of Gates' meeting about the case. All eyes were on her. Castle backed off, but he couldn't help but watch her. She'd snapped at him before, but never like this. It wasn't normal. It wasn't Beckett at all. Just another thing to add to the list of ways she was falling apart with each passing minute.

But she needed to be okay. She told herself as much, she told her therapist as much. Dr. Burke didn't seem to think so, basically taking Castle's side in that everything she felt right now was normal, which just served to frustrate her more than she already was. His only solution was for her to step away from the case, and Beckett wasn't having that at all. This was her job. This was her case. She was going to see it through.

She decided that she was okay. She was fine.

Except she wasn't okay, and she wasn't fine. When she got back to the precinct, everything felt like chaos. She tried to use the elevator to calm her shaky breaths and stop her hands from trembling, but the ride up to the fourth floor felt far too short for that. She was forced to take a deep breath and throw her mask on before she was truly ready to, and she had to shove her hands into her pockets to hide the way they still trembled, despite her best efforts to tell them to stop.

There was a match to the prints they found, and Esposito and Castle were about to head out to get their suspect. She froze up. Castle covered for her, and from the looks of it, Esposito seemed to understand because she only saw him nod to her partner. Watching their interaction was another reminder that she wasn't okay.

She shook her head as she made her way back to her desk, to allow Castle to debrief her on what was going on, even if she was only half-listening. She was okay. She was fine.

Their suspect wasn't their sniper though, as Esposito said none of his weapons were a match and Gates said his alibis for both shootings checked out. They had to talk to him again, and she was seconds away from going back into the interrogation room to do so until she got benched for playing the "bad cop," for snapping and nearly losing what little control she had left in front of a suspect, because not even Castle's presence could ground her now.

As she sat at her desk, all she could think of was her own shooting. She could hear the screams. She felt the bullet hitting her chest.

"Beckett," Castle said. His voice brought her back to reality. "Coffee."

She declined, but he put it on her desk anyways. "I'm fine, Castle. Really, I'm fine."

The more she said it, the truer it felt. That was how this worked, right? The more you say something, the more real it became?

But the longer this case went on, the more the reality of it all hit her. There was a crushing reality that they wouldn't find the person responsible for Sarah Vasquez and David Wyatt's murders, just like they didn't find the one who pulled the trigger for her own shooting.

She needed to get away from all of this. She needed an escape from the crushing reality that was presented to her right now.

That night, as soon as she got home and changed, she opened a bottle of whiskey and poured some in a shot glass. The first one burned as it went down her throat, but it felt nice. She downed another. Before she knew it, she'd gone through a whole bottle.

None of it helped though.

She still felt the bullet go through her chest. She still heard the screams. She could hear the hospital monitors beeping. She could feel the doctors cutting into her body, trying to save her life.

She knocked a table over in her panic, breaking the whiskey bottle and the glass she was using in the process. She closed the blinds. She threw herself off the couch, grabbing her gun, and sliding over to the wall. The cold bricks felt nice on her back, but it did nothing to calm her nerves. Neither did the blood trickling down her arm.

The next thing Beckett knew, she was waking up on the floor of her living room with a throbbing headache. There was a pool of dried blood from the wound she got in her panic last night. Her living room was a mess.

She ignored all of it and managed to pull herself up to get to her bathroom. A cool shower helped relieve some of the after effects of last night, but cleaning up her wound with some peroxide reopened it and the blood started flowing again. By the time she got to work, the blood seeped through the bandage she wrapped around it. She covered it with the sleeve of her jacket.

No one could see this. She was Kate Beckett, the pillar of strength in everything. She was supposed to be unbreakable. She was supposed to be okay.

The moleskin they found at Vasquez's shooting site was a dead end, and she rubbed the bridge of her nose. In part, it was to help with the pounding headache that painkillers did nothing to help with, but it was also to help quell the rising frustration she felt at getting nowhere with this case. It was going to go cold just like her shooting did. She was going to fail these families, and that was a reality she wasn't quite ready to deal with just yet.

They needed a lead. Something, anything, to keep her from having to deal with a reality that was rapidly closing in on her.

"I know what the paintings mean!" Castle shouted from the elevator as he jogged over to the group.

"Mr. Castle, now is not the time for your theatrics," Gates said. For once, Beckett had to agree with the captain. Today wasn't the day for this. She needed a concrete lead, not a crazy theory.

But Castle insisted that they hear him out, so they did. He explained that the paintings told them the locations of their victims' shootings. She was able to follow along now that she knew this wasn't one of his crazy theories. They were finally able to put the pieces together. Before he could finish, the phones were ringing off the hook.

They raced to the Grace Point Tower, where their third victim was shot but still alive. It was madness as she and Castle arrived, running to the tower. She struggled to focus, to even keep up with Castle, but somehow, his presence grounded her through this madness. They entered the hotel, where paramedics were bringing the victim down.

She tried to question their victim, but Emily's fear and panic from just being shot at coupled with Beckett's rising panic wasn't a good combination. Castle's presence wasn't able to ground her anymore. The paramedics had to take her away, and when Emily begged her not to let them take her outside, Beckett had to send them away.

She was cracking, and she had to get away.

"Beckett!" Castle called out as she ran off. She ignored him. "Kate!"

She slipped into an employee only area, and as soon as the door closed behind her, she took off her jacket and threw it on the ground. Her badge and gun followed. She slid down the wall, her body shaking with sobs, one hand clutching the side where her scar was.

"Kate," Castle said softly. She didn't react, didn't even realize he'd followed after her until she heard his voice. He wrapped his arms around her, and that only made her cry harder.

"Kate, what's going on?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I can't," she choked out between sobs. "I can't."

He only held her, tightening his embrace around her as she let it all out. When she was done, she didn't say anything, just pushed him away. She threw her jacket back on, put her badge and gun back in their rightful places, and stood back up, wiping away the last tears. She was about to go and face the world again as Kate Beckett, the pillar of strength everyone knew her as, when Castle grabbed her wrist, pulling her closer to him.

"You're staying with me tonight," he said. She opened her mouth to protest, but he interjected before she could. "No arguing, Kate. No matter how much you say it, you're not okay. You're staying at the loft tonight."

As much as she wanted to argue, she didn't say anything, instead just snatching her wrist out of his grasp and walking back out to face the world.

She was okay. She was fine.

Esposito pulled her aside when they got back to the precinct, bringing her to the evidence room to show her the rifle they recovered from the cemetery, the very same rifle that was used to shoot her at Montgomery's funeral.

It was a reminder that though she was falling apart and unwinding in front of everyone, she still had her friends. She still had people that cared about her. The frustration she felt at Esposito when he first showed her the rifle faded away at his words.

Holding that rifle gave her strength, once she managed to gather up the courage to take it from him. It was a weakness that needed to be turned into a strength, just like he said it should be. It was a weakness that she couldn't let consume her.

But holding it gave her an idea, and she was checking it out of evidence before she knew it. She had a lead of her own, and she had to follow it. She sent a quick text to Esposito, telling him what she was up to, knowing that he'd cover for her if Gates started asking questions.

They met up at Cafe Primo, just across from the Grace Point Tower. Their shooter was someone who had an injury or disability because of the limp she noticed in the videos that she watched again when she got back to the precinct to return the rifle. That connection was made when she tried to climb to the roof to get into the shooter's mind, but she couldn't; a sharp pain shot up her side where the scar was.

They got their shooter. Now they just had to find him.

For the first time during this whole case, she felt stronger. So much stronger. The strength she thought she had at the beginning of all of this was coming back to her and then some.

Still, after their meet up in Cafe Primo, after Ryan and Esposito went home for the night, Castle pulled her aside, making her promise she would come to the loft tonight. She smiled and agreed, promising to be at his place in an hour.

When she arrived, he welcomed her in with open arms, but with Alexis and Martha lingering downstairs, their conversation was put on hold. The redheads insisted upon talking to Beckett and making sure she was okay, despite everything. It wasn't until they retreated to his bedroom that they started talking.

"Kate," Castle started.

"Castle," she said, interrupting him. "Last night, I… I had a moment of weakness." She paused, taking a deep breath to calm her nerves. This was a conversation she hoped she wouldn't have to have, but here she was. There was no getting out of it now. She reached for his hands and held them. It gave her the strength to continue, to allow herself to be vulnerable. "This whole case has reminded me of what happened to me four months ago. I thought I was past it all, but it just seems so fresh." She felt him squeeze her hands gently. A soft laugh escaped her. Now that she was thinking about it, her actions from last night felt so stupid, so reckless. "I thought maybe I could drink the pain away, that if I drank enough, I wouldn't have to feel anything, I wouldn't have to remember the things I wanted to."

She took a deep, shaky breath. A few tears fell from her eyes, but she let them. She was going to allow herself to be vulnerable in this moment, to be more than just Kate Beckett, the pillar of strength that everyone knew her as. "It just made it worse though. I kept hearing the gunshot, I kept hearing everyone's voices, all the commotion, everything. I kept remembering what it was like for my life to leave my body." Her voice cracked at that last sentence, and she couldn't hold back her emotions anymore. Castle didn't hesitate in pulling her into an embrace. Still, she had to continue talking in between the sobs that shook her body. "When I woke up this morning, all I felt was pain. I had an awful headache, I still do. There was blood on my living room floor and on my arm from where I'd cut myself on broken glass…" She managed another soft laugh. "My place is a mess." She took another deep breath in an attempt to steady herself, but it didn't do much for her. "When I saw Emily and her fear, it broke me. I couldn't do it anymore."

And at that, she buried her face into the fabric of his button up shirt. From there, he knew the rest of the story. He followed her into that employee only area and held her until she was done letting it all out. He stayed by her side through it all.

Until now, when he thought she'd fallen asleep in his arms.

"Where are you going?" she asked softly, sitting up in the bed and watching him move towards the bedroom door.

"I'll be back. I promise," he said before slipping out of the room. He wasn't gone for long. When he first came back to the room, he had a glass of water in his hands, which he passed off to Beckett before slipping into the bathroom. When he came back the second time, he was balancing a bottle of pills on top of a small first aid kit.

"What are you doing?" she asked, setting the glass of water on the nightstand.

"Changing the bandage on your wound," he said as he took her injured wrist in his hands, as gently as possible, and started unwrapping it. "The bandage is bloody."

She wanted to say more, ask about what the pills were for, but no words left her mouth. She just kept her eyes focused on him and the way he gently handled her wrist, as if he was too rough with it, it would shatter into a million pieces. She couldn't help but wince as he dabbed some peroxide on the wound, but the sting she felt was brief compared to the pain she'd felt all day, physically and emotionally.

When he was done, he brought her freshly bandaged wrist to his lips to place a gentle kiss on it. She couldn't help but smile at the gesture that warmed her heart.

"And this," he said, grabbing the pill bottle and dumping two pills into his hand. He closed it off and put the pills in her hand, closing it around them. "Is for that headache you said you had."

"Castle, I don't… painkillers haven't helped all day," she said. "I don't think they're going to start helping now."

"I'd like it if you took them," he said, reaching for the glass of water and holding it out for her.

She studied him for a moment, neither of them making any motion to move. Finally, she sighed and popped the pills in her mouth. She took the glass of water and took a sip, swallowing the pills.

When she looked away to put the glass down, she felt his arms wrap around her again. She felt his lips brush against her cheek.

"Thank you," he whispered.

She turned and smiled at him, pushing him away as she did. He seemed shocked at first, but when he realized she was only doing it so she could get under the covers, he moved to the other side of the bed, pulling the covers over her first, then himself. Once they were both under the covers, she snuggled up to him, a smile on her face.

"I love you," she said softly, just loud enough for him to hear.

And nothing could change that. Not getting shot in the chest and almost losing her life, not finding her mother's murderer and potentially falling down the rabbit hole again… nothing. Richard Castle was the solid ground in her life. He was the consistent force that she needed. He was the one that despite everything that happened in her life, everything that continued to happen in her life, stuck around. He was the small, clear voice in her mind that brought her back to reality when she felt herself slipping away.

Through thick and thin, they were partners and lovers. Through thick and thin, they stayed with each other. Always.


End file.
